Today I feel empty. Emptyand listless. I wouldn’t even use the word frustrated, because being frustratedimplies feeling something. I wish I had the energy or the desire to care enoughto be frustrated or, heck, even angry. Being angry would be more purposefulthan feeling like I just don’t care anymore.
Maybe it’s the new meds.Just a few days ago, I felt ever so slightly more hopeful. The doctor changed my meds againsince my last blog. I know the antidepressant hasn’t had time to do its thing,so my guess is a placebo effect made me feel a little better for abrief time.
I am so uninterested in life outside my family right now that it’s extremely difficult to stay focused or be motivated atwork.
My therapist and I had agood session yesterday, but that positive energy I felt after leaving heroffice has all but vanished. It’s been sapped by this dreadful disease onceagain.
She encouraged me to thinkabout things I’m grateful for each day, especially when I’m reeling at work.She told me to literally write down even the smallest achievements so I feelsome sense of accomplishment. It isn’t working so far, maybe because I haven’tdone it enough yet.
My anxiety is so severe attimes it borders on paranoia. My self-confidence is so shaken that simple tasksseem overwhelming. My fear of mistakes is so paralyzing that I want to justcrawl in a foxhole and do nothing. Only that’s not a viable option for acareer…at least not for long.
So here goes. I willcelebrate one little victory that on the surface seems quite pathetic. I had tocraft an email yesterday for an important group of stakeholders. My fear ofmaking a mistake, perhaps a typo, was so great that I put it off all day. ThenI finally got the courage to draft it, prayed over it and hit the send button.
How ridiculous is that?
My therapist doesn’t thinkit’s ridiculous. She said following through and doing it despite my anxiety wasactually “courageous.” Only I don’t exactly feel like Braveheart. I feel puny.
That’s what warped negativethinking does to us over time. We are working on my negative thought patterns,but they are so engrained it almost feels like a hopeless effort.
I will keep trying. I willthink of a STOP sign every time the negative thoughts start.