If you have been reading this blog for a while, you have heard a version or two of my fairy tale. It has been a while so I am going to tell it again.
Once, there was a redheaded tomboy, who loved to disappear outside in the mornings and come home kicking and screaming for dinner. She was outgoing and friendly and full of life. Near where this girl lived, a toxic waste site was discovered where the town water tanks were and the town had been drinking that rainbow colored, glow in the dark Kool-Aid for years.
This girl grew up way to early. She was still playing with her favorite Little People toys and sleeping with teddy bears. She got her period for the first time at age 8 and was wearing a full adult bra not soon after but she was still a Little People playing, tomboy of a girl. The boys then noticed that this girl had grown up and tried to take advantage of it. She fought them off from trying to touch her in class and on the recess field. She never told anyone what was happening.
Slowly that once outgoing, lively girl hid in her bedroom after school. She would steal cookies when she could and bring them to that room and eat them in secret. She did this for years. All throughout the 4th, 5th and 6th grade into junior high school and into high school. She had turned totally to food and for a while, it was her only friend and it made her feet better. She became bigger but that was ok because the boys would not be interested in her if she was fat and they would not pay any attention to her, even with big boobs, if she was fat and ugly.
While she was in her room, her family life was falling apart. Her mother was dragged down by post partum depression, probably schizophrenia and then early onset dementia. She went from a woman with life to someone whose life was gone. She often thought her mother did not care about her. Her father was a mess and worried about his own problems.
Her one form of escape was to go to college far, far away. She was still the fat, ugly girl but 1,500 miles away from prying eyes and the taunts. She graduated from college and came home again. She continued to be isolated but she had grown up. She met someone and thought that she loved him. He lived in Rochester, NY and she moved to be with him. It didn’t work out but she knew it wouldn’t so she was prepared but it continued to kick her down that depression road and she thought of killing herself.
That became the norm. She went to work, came home, went to sleep and began again. There was a spark in her though. She joined some social groups and started to make some friends. She began to get out. She was tired of being alone though the thoughts of unworthiness, unlovable and generally that perpetual cloud over her feelings, persisted.
Things were starting for once to look up and while, there is no ending to this girl’s fairy tale, it may just be the beginning and this is my journey.