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There is a road from the eye to the heart that does not go through the intellect. (My omissions are honest. Honest!)

Posted Oct 19 2008 7:08am
it's so hard to be honest.
i write for this blog but i don't use the words i really want to say. they are nicely sugar coated.
that's okay, i guess. it doesn't really bother me.
occassionally though, you just have to get it out, in all it's bombastic, hypocritical, miserable honesty.
i wont be doing that in this blog post. i choose not to.
but, damn, how satisfying is it to do that, to write it all out, no holds barred, no judgement just keys tapping away, no thinking or analysing....
i'm not sure it's natural for anyone to do that... seriously. at least for an audience, anyway.
i'm not sure what i'm doing lately. if i'm on the path i want to be on. yaad, karana.... where am i? and WHY?
is it what i truly want? or just what i think i need?
i wonder.
i feel vaguely dissatisfied. something is missing.... or not...
what the hell am i doing?
winging it, i guess.
i feel a bit lost, really. scattered.
it will come together eventually.
i have lost some of my heart for yaad. but i am going to finish it. it's something i have to do. maybe this is temporary and will pass.
i do know, however, that i am not wiccan.
a witch? pagan? anything in between or neither?
i'm not sure i really care.
but i'm approaching it all as a learning experience, a study, and that it is. i'm enjoying that aspect.
it's been enough to know that this isn't really my particular path. well, not as you consider the path, that is. and that's alright, it's natural.
i can't be what i thought people wanted me to be and i can't be who i thought you thought i might be.
i'm not.
it's okay. it just took ME a while to realise it all.
cryptic posts alright.
well, it's my blog.
i'm angry tonight. seething. i would write about it, but it will only make me worse. it's too complicated.
i hate anger. it doesn't sit with me at all.
nearly all my life i only have a couple of memories of being angry - ever. but the last few years i'm confronting it more.
i truly hate it.
i just thought that maybe i hate being angry because i judge myself for it.
food for thought.
i realised today, not for the first time, but i actually really realised, that i feel other peoples pain.
it's awful.
i feel it. all of it.
it occured to me that it was a gift.
empathy, right? it's a gift.
but i was damned if i could think of something it would be useful for.
i'm not making light of it, i really couldn't.
what do you do with something like that?
if i feel others pain, if i'm an empath, what purpose does that serve? how can i use that? and for what?
it stumped me a little.
i'm back to smoking about 20 cigarettes a day now. i feel so stupid. failure.
but i shouldn't say that, i did do well, i went with 2 smokes a week for a long time.
but the Champix made it so easy.
i seem to think that if it took minimal effort, if it was easy, then, i didn't acheive it, it just happened. it's not something i can give myself credit for.
are we like that, humans? i see that in so many people... that if there isn't hardship involved, it isn't earned, or worth rewarding....
 an entrenched belief that perhaps needs changing. maybe.
does it?
it was so beautiful at merewether baths today. just floating in the ocean water, flowing with the movement. light. floating on my back looking up at the wispy clouds in the sky. my ears below the water line and so the noise of the world is muted. the sun. sky. clouds.
so peaceful.
salt. so salty. there is really something amazing about getting out of the car at the beach and getting that first waft of salty ocean air.
we layed on the sand for about half an hour afterwars. it was really warm, i can totally see how people fall asleep sunbaking. i got burnt on my upper arms, but the rest is fairly ok.
i didn't feel very self conscious or worried about my body either. that's a first. a real change. it was interesting just standing back and observing how it feels not to worry about how i look in swimmers or so forth, surrounded by bikinis and hunks.
who cares?!
anxiety crept in as the day got on, but those first few hours... really interesting.
and new.
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