I got no sleep last night thinking and obsessing over Robbie’s death. I’m not eating enough, which I’m sure is making the insomnia and exhaustion worse. I woke up at 3 am, stomach raging and couldn’t get back to sleep until I had a glass of milk and a slice of watermelon.
I just don’t feel like eating.
That’s what’s so frustrating about the world we live in. There is no emotional and spiritual support outside of fanaticism. The artists in people are dying everywhere (emotionally and spiritually if not by suicide). People are creative animals. So if you seal them indoors under fluorescent lights and frown when they think for themselves they become emotionally and spiritually lifeless. Like a machine. Only we are not machines. We are human beings.
I think about how Robbie was intelligent and how Robbie was an outstanding guitarist, but I realize his frustration in knowing that. Relatively few people get to pursue and succeed at the dream they choose. Our society doesn’t want creativity or intelligence. Our society wants compliance and dependability. Shut up and do your job. Don’t ask questions. Make the rich people richer while you make yourself sicker.
People don’t want to live because this society has taken the life out of living. When your day is consumed by shit you don’t care about for the benefit of someone somewhere else who doesn’t care about your livelihood and your humanity and you watch your dreams slip through your fingers as the days are filled with mundane, meaningless crap, you are driven to just give up.
There’s got to be a better way to end the suffering.