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Scared Scared Scared

Posted May 03 2010 12:00am


I am most definitely insane for staying this long. I am a masochist for subjecting myself to this misery.

Why did I agree to take on the department when my manager leaves?!!! WHY?!!!!!!!!!! Because I felt like there was no other choice.

I have to be in LA for THREE WEEKS in less than 2 months. Three weeks in a crappy hotel with no husband, no therapist, no pdoc. I’m scared scared scared. I’ve had more hypomanic episodes than ever lately and I’m scared. And, oh, the depression if it comes (not that it’s really gone…what’s it called? mixed episode) is going to kick my ass. And it always comes worst in the summer. I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared.

They’re already putting more on me. Already already. I was about to explode before. Now I’m going to lose my shit for sure. This will be the one to finally put me in the hospital. I’ve avoided it for so long by the skin of my teeth. But I am so scared.

I’m so worried. I really want to bail. I want to just tell those fuckers to fuck right off. They don’t know the pain and the suffering that I endure every day just to get things out on time. Just to work every day. And under different circumstances I would be happy to oblige. But I haven’t been the same since the layoffs a year ago. I have not been anywhere near the star employee I was when they hired me. Because they have destroyed me. And it kills me each and every day to know that I am not putting forth my best, even though I hate that place. It hurts me not to do my best. It makes me feel shame and guilt and just awful.

My mom offered to come visit me while I’m there, which I would love, but then I can’t do the self-medicating that I HAVE to do to be somewhat sane. I want her there. I need support. But I CAN’T SLEEP WITHOUT COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF DRUGS.

I’m tired of being the grown up all the time. I want to be a little girl. I don’t want to be responsible anymore. I am going to lose it. I am really, really going to lose it.
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