I had my yearly review at work today. In my self evaluation, I was very honest with myself. My work over the past year has not been my best. I have been overwhelmed and somewhat discombobulated.  I feel like I am  being pulled in a thousand directions.

I was aware my work has not the best and I graded myself accordingly.

My boss agreed with me. She wants the smart organized girl of five years ago. I am afraid that girl is gone and just not there now.

She told me she was not talking to me because I always looked like I was going to cry. I knew she was avoiding me and I felt like I had been moved to Siberia. To be honest my moods have been all over the place. I was thinking of suicide for a while. It must have totally rubbed off on my behavior at work.

I tried not to cry during the whole review. I managed to hold off until the end that I admitted that yes, I have been awfully close to having a nervous breakdown. The combination of everything has been overwhelming.

I am getting a raise that will be erased by inflation. I am told I have to get more organized, set tasks that must please the big wigs in Chicago and generally get my shit together.

That brings an end to a blah year at work. Where do I go from here?

I haven’t a clue. I want to do something different and make a difference. The change of it all scares the shit out of me.