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Permanent Link: waiting is the hardest part.

Posted Jan 04 2009 12:00am

I’d like to start posting some recent articles about ECT and mental health, but not today.  I have about two weeks until the ECT sessions will first commence.  As much as the thought of electricity sent to your brain many times might cause people to become a bit at unease, that’s not the case for me.  I was told by my psychiatrist in late October/early November that I should think seriously about taking the ECT option.  I was evaluated by a second psychiatrist to make sure I’m a suitable candidate for the procedure.  At the time, the doc asked me if I will keep from harming myself until the 3rd week of January.  I told him that should not be a problem. I thought, deep depression is what I’m worried about now, so a few more weeks of the horrible downs could be tolerated.

Well, that’s a lie. Though I know the treatment’s just a handfuls of days away, I feel like I’m having to keep myself from harming myself.  That temptation is really the issue.  I know there’s something for me to look forward to, but the depression simply puts a giant bag over my head making me unable to see that the goalline is in sight.  When you’re depressed, nothing wonderful ever catches your sight, and even if it did, you don’t quite capture the appropriate spirit. And yes, that spirit. You know that someone took that spirit away a long time  ago, and you’ve been told that those may come back after the little zaps.  How can I look forward to the possibility of my own spirit returning when I don’t know how to look forward to anything at all?

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