My weekly session with Dr. A just wasn’t very productive this morning. I’m not even sure what all I really said in there, except that I got a bunch of prescriptions. Well, I did mention something about this journal of mine, and she asked me if I referred to her as “Dr. Melfi,” which I have in some past entries. Dr. A joked that she could be my Dr. Melfi if she had much nicer furniture like she has in the show. Dr. A actually has a very cozy office, with traditional ‘house’ furniture scattered about. The only sign that it’s a medical office at all is the waiting room’s receptionist counter and her office policy all nicely framed and tacked up against the wall. And the giant cart of magazines. Otherwise, it’s like walking into someone’s living room or a study. Unlike Dr. Melfi’s office in The Sopranos, there’s nothing modern or remotely sterile about Dr. A’s office.
My thoughts just felt disorganized and frankly a bit empty this morning. The additional meds are to help this constant fatigue that I feel is not a part of my depression this time around. I don’t feel depressed but I have not woken up refreshed or have gone to bed feeling like I’ve accomplished anything of value. The reason why I don’t think it’s depression-related is because I haven’t found showering or waking up to be an unbearable chore. In fact, the act of choosing a certain shower-gel scent every time has been kind of fun lately. The sheer persistence of this tiredness has not been fun, though.
At one point in the session, she asked me what is the next step for me. I just felt really self-restrained in the way I answered her questions today. How the hell do I know, I almost wanted to shout back I was so frustrated. Instead, I just giggled and said some stuff that barely makes sense even as I try to string up the thoughts now (I mean, I have started planning some stuff, which I’m sure I’ll discuss later, but nothing is concrete). But now that it’s been a few hours since that question was asked, do I have an answer for it? No, not really. Maybe the truth really is, I don’t Know.
Our time was up before I could think of what I needed to tell her. If I do need to tell her something, she allows for e-mail communications. But anyway, there’s always next week.