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Permanent Link: Old Habits

Posted Mar 24 2009 12:00am

For the last two months or so, there are some activities that I rarely engaged in, like watching The Daily Show, The Colbert Report or my childhood idol Dave Letterman (Mom made sure I was getting to sleep around 10:30). I certainly did not drink any alcoholic beverages during that time. It’s not that I’m much of a drinker, but the owner at a certain wine store does know me by name, if that means something.

So, what have acts have I engaged in the last two days? On Sunday, I cracked open a bottle of red wine and watched “Girl,Interrupted” til about two in the morning. As I type this little entry, a half-empty bottle of that wine sits near me as I switch channels between Mr. Colbert and Mr. Letterman. It’s true that I couldn’t fall asleep even with the aid of some extra zolpidem (Ambien) in my system on Sunday night. But there’s really no good reason for getting back into swirling and sipping that garnet-hued elixir. I just wanted a drink. To accompany that, I guess I also decided to eat through an entire box of really good chocolate that had just sat untouched for the same amount of months.

It wouldn’t be much of an issue, except for that because I rarely go out, I’ve often drank bottles of wine alone (trying mix stuff takes too much work). The quantity of the liquor is negligible, but the fact that this act often took place at night by myself isn’t a great thing. Then, adding a movie like “Girl, Interrupted” to the mix only exacerbates any unsteady feelings you may be holding at the time. Food somehow always enters the mix, so you end up gaining weight. The sad part about that is that you barely even remember that you had eaten all of that food until you wake up the next morning and find empty packaging strewn about.

There are aspects of my life that have changed which can be traced to the effects of ECT, but what I did really has nothing to do with ECT. I simply chose to bring back an old habit, a bad one for any individual.

Just reminding myself that these types of behavior will not help me in the post-ECT recovery period.

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