So, here it goes. Perhaps a public bearing of my personal issues is totally unnecessary, but I need to document it, mostly for my own sake, but because it was quite hard to find a concise set of materials when I first began researching about ECT (electroconvulsive therapy/electroshock therapy) to have a chance of be able to be awakened from a life that already feels dead to me. Okay, so this is a little project of mine to keep me occupied from doing something stupid in the next two weeks. This ‘waiting game’ before the first jolt to my head is becoming very hard. At any other time, my medication may have been tweaked or at least something would have been altered a bit to see if I can get out of this depression. But because this potential ultimate ’savior’ is coming soon, there’s almost nothing to be done, except to stay alive. I’m trying hard not to drown, very hard. All I have the energy to really do is shove food into my month, sleep and watch “House” marathon–and even that’s not all that interesting to me anymore. I’ve begun to make myself go shopping for stuff at the mall even though I really don’t need to be spending the money that I’m not making. I usually love the colors and great sales, but it’s just not that enjoyable. Then again, it’s hard to love things when all I would love to be doing is to drop dead. But looking for a cute cashmere hoodie and a nice bench for my window-area just might keep me from looking to die somehow.
I really can’t see my life beyond the two more weeks that I have before the ECT. It’s even hard to think beyond a day or so. But my choice to create a little public journal is for me to make this countdown a time for me do more than just sit and pet a cat. I guess I can now sit, pet a cat, and write something of value. I suppose I’m trying to live in a ‘literal’ sense even if I say that I don’t want to live at all.
It’s T minus sometime around 15th and the 19th. Happy new year, and let the countdown begin.