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One Legged And Crutchless

Posted Jun 16 2008 6:12pm

I have known for quite some time that I have been drinking too much. There is admitting it to yourself and then there is the part whereyou actually admit it to yourself. I don’t know how to describe the difference. I guess I can say that although I knew that at times I was being excessive with it, I wasn’t willing to take any steps to change my behavior until I started to notice that alcohol was having negative effects on my life. So I decided to stop. I had a really bad headache for about four days and that gnawing anxiety like I was going to just chew my arm off if I didn’t get a drink into me, and quick, but now I am feeling better.

Now I can see things like how I always planned out what I was going to drink on my time off from work or when I went out. Just in the last few days I’ve felt that something was missing, and that is sad. I am hoping that soon I will feel better. I have been taking time to eat healthy foods and to drink lots of water.

I felt that now that I was really honest with myself I would be honest here too. I am going to drop the crutch and start hopping.

***

Ashleas, I did read your comment on my last post and it touched me deeply.I wasn’t sure how to respond. I know what you are saying and I wanted to say to you, “Go home and see your Dad.” but then I wasn’t even sure if that was the right thing to say. It’s always struck me as odd with all of the “How are you?”s and “Take Care”s that people throw around how little we reach out to those around us. I hope that you can find someone to talk to and a group if you want to be a part of one, but please know that you can always drop me a line and I am here to listen.

Bonnie, I hear you on the being hungry and still unable to take a half of someone’s sandwich when offered. I’ve been there, done that too. The part that kills me is if I found out that someone around me was hungry and felt as if they couldn’t ask me for help it would break my heart.

Just recently I’ve been having trouble eating anything (see part above about too much alcohol) . There are a few men who come in each night and clean the floors of the restaurant. I get a free meal each night as a perk of the job but I haven’t been eating anything. The other night it occurred to me that they might be hungry and so I threw together a meal and gave it to them to share and they were so incredibly grateful. Now if I see that one of the chefs is going to throw out food that is perfectly edible I’ll stash it away for when the maintenance guys come in and give it to them. I realize now when I see the excitement in their eyes over the food how hungry they were the whole time.

The other night I was being teased pretty heavily (which is par for the course in the industry) by one of my coworkers and I was getting pretty burned out on it when one of the maintenance guys stepped up and told the other man to lay off me. “I look out for her. Cut the shit.” was what he said. And then it was over. I can remember making eye contact and smiling but I don’t even know if I said thank you. I don’t know if if needed to, honestly. Sometimes I feel there are so many words and other times I think so much of it is total bullshit; we have actions so why the fuck is there so much useless talking?

Most of the men I work with have been very kind, but that one guy in particular I mention above seems to have gone above and beyond. I have to admit that I fear sometimes that this was motivated because he knows that I am not OK, that he can look at me and tell. I noticed the other day when I was alone in the kitchen that he rattled his belongings before he entered. I looked up and he said that he was trying not to scare me by popping up unexpectedly but he could see that he had failed. “I wasn’t scared”, I told him, “I was startled.” Then I laughed, because I wasn’t sure what the difference was. “Never mind me, I have baggage” I mumbled and he said “Yeah, me too”, and briefly I saw his hand rest across his heart.

 

 



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