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Oh just make it go away

Posted Aug 24 2010 10:09am
There's a person that I follow on Twitter who has nothing but positive platitudes to say. I try to absorb everything he/she says, but often feel I fall short. I'm looking everywhere within and without myself for answers. I have been stuck in the depressed end of my bipolar disorder for almost a year now. It has never been this bad in the history of my illness. I have been through the A-Z list of psych meds and go to therapy every month.

Other than reading and being with Greg, things that I used to love to do like drawing and needlework no longer give me pleasure. I know that part of my depression directly relates to my environment at home, a lot of which I have no control over for now. And then there is the need to be thin. There is a constant running commentary in my head on how fat I am. I know where it comes from, and I know it's unreasonable (I'm guessing that I'm maybe 10 lbs over a healthy weight). I'm working on overcoming these awful thoughts but it's a much tougher battle than I ever imagined it would be.

Depression simply sucks.  I wake up with a feeling of hopelessness and fight the desire to go back to bed throughout the day, more often than not I lose the battle. But while I may be losing the battle of the bed, I refuse to lay down and concede the battle of depression. I will continue to fight it and try to find solutions. I wish I could simply just make it go away with thinking good thoughts and absorbing lovely platitudes, but I accept that it doesn't work that way.

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