Manipulation is used on a regular basis when in comes to
Borderline Personality Disorder but how it is done and why often differs from person to person. For some reason I will go through the various ways I have used manipulation to serve my false self image.
Ending A Relationship -
- For reasons that only the BPD person knows someone in their life needs to go away and in some cases stay away. The problem is if you hastily end it then you look like the bad guy and chances are guilt will appear both which are not allowed in my mind. I will basically set a trap, leading the other person into a confrontation that will appear to set off a rage (which I completely control) by the time the confrontation is over the other person is in a complete state of shock and confusion while running out the door. Now my mind justifies this as it was the other persons actions that led to the rage and if this person knew me better then they would have respected my boundaries then the confrontation would not have happened. The part where I arranged the whole thing my mind just conveniently forgets. So if I did nothing wrong then there is no reason for guilt and I am still the good guy. My fragile false self image is still intact.
Doctors/Therapists -
- The goal is to keep myself out of the hospital and to do that I need to make sure my risk factor is in check even when its not. My doctor is very predictable and tends to ask the same series of questions every time so I basically rehearse my answers long before the appointment happens. If I feel that I need a med change then I make sure the answers are there to support it but mainly it is about keeping that risk factor low. The questions that I need to watch are those about suicidal ideation and self harm. Suicidal ideation questions are answered with a "No more then normal" which is a complete truth but I also know I have been answering this question the same way for so long I doubt my doctor knows what normal is. Self harm is a bit trickier especially when your still cutting so I make sure it is down played with answers such as "I have it in control" or with the answer "Not very often" but again I know my doctor has asked once to see the marks in the fifty plus times I have seen him so the odds are one my side. Right now I am nearing the four month anniversary of no marks what so ever so the answer is no and it is actually no. I don't lie I just don't show the whole picture and the way the system is designed it is very easy to get away with it
Nurses and Others -
- When I was in the hospital a number of staff believed I was manipulating the nurses and in a way they were right but I will try to show you the reason behind it. I am someone who remembers damn near everything and I appreciate people who are honest and open with me. People are basically classified in two sections safe and not safe. If a person is safe then that is who I will go to with any problem, that is who I will go to with any question or concern and when I am half a step away from crossing the danger line that is who I will seek out. If a nurse is classified as unsafe I will do whatever is possible to avoid any interaction with them as I don't feel like I can trust them so what they get is a bunch of yes or no answers and if they try to push it then chances are a confrontation will happen that will send a clear message it is better to just let me be. How does the classification work? Good question. I ask the same questions to a lot of people then take their answers that forms the groundwork. If the person gives me some generic answer then chances are they are going to the unsafe category for my brain sees it as them looking at the disorder and not at me. I watch them interact with other patients and I can see whether or not their heart is in it and I look for tells that say this person is here for the money and not the patients. Remember I have worked on the other side of the fence so I have a lot of interactions and people to compare it to. There are a lot of good mental professionals out there who are doing it for the right reason but at the same time there are too many who have reached the burnt out stage and need a career change before they end up as a patient.
Everything to me is about safety as in keeping myself safe so the people in my life need to care about my well being or they need to go away and everything comes back to trust. If I can not trust you to give me an honest answer on something small then why would I trust you on something big such as my health and well being. I believe everyone in the world does this and if you don't think so ask yourself out of all of the people in your life why do you always go to a select few when you need help. When I am in a hospital setting I need to figure out very quickly who my rocks are so to speak because chances are I am going to need them when the wrong situation arises. I had an extremely bad morning when I was in the hospital and there was no safe staff on duty so I knew I needed to come up with a way where they would understand quickly that I was in danger and needed help. I sat down and scribbled down a note that basically said help me I am in danger and through some peoples perspective it could have been called a suicidal note. I finished the letter and then dropped it on the nurses desk to which a number of them watched me do so then I went to my room and waited for the Calvary to come in. Then I waited and waited until I reached a point where either I had to do something to stop myself from ending my battle on a permanent basis or to take that road to a never ending sleep. I hate to say this but self harm saved my life yet again and the damage was to a point where four plus months later it is very easy to see the marks that I caused that day with a poster pin. Two days later my doctor asked me about the note and he was shocked to hear me say "You are the first person to ask me about it". The doctor knows me pretty well and asked if the damage was high to which I nodded my head. Needless to say the nurses on duty at the time of the note received a lecture they won't soon forget. It pays to know who are safe and who are not but unfortunately I do not create the work schedule. When it comes to online dating I do the same thing asking the same simple questions over what ever time period and taking note of different answers all for the same reason I need to know who is safe and I need to know who I can trust.
Therapists and doctors will say that the way I see someone will differ from the perspective I am in but that is only half right, the way I see someone that day may differ but I always remember who is safe and unsafe at the core level. The people in my life I try to protect with every ounce of energy that I have and make sure that the relationship is strong and healthy in all areas. To reach that level other people have to go through the testing level and the majority do not make it or last long as my personality is either to strong or they really do not understand who they are as people which is essential when your dealing with me. My mother does not understand how one second a person can be part of my life then the next second they are gone and I have tried to explain the whole safe and unsafe thing to her but she was raised in a manner where it is important to make everyone happy. I have my fathers viewpoint on this one which is there is six billion people on this planet so there is no sense keeping the wrong ones around as there are a lot more to choose from.
A major problem is that a group of people use both self harm and suicidal gestures to gain attention through a form of manipulation which has led others to believe that everyone with
Borderline Personality Disorder does this which is not only wrong but dangerous. What happens if what you saw as attention seeking was an actual warning sign of imminent danger? I don't take the chance as if someone tells me they are in danger I pick up the phone and call 911 for my conscious can not handle a missed warning sign. If someone in your life does this call 911 or drag them to the hospital every single time and if it was for attention chances are they will find a new way to get it where the consequences don't involve a police car and a psych ward.
Manipulation is used on a regular basis when in comes to Borderline Personality Disorder but how it is done and why often differs from person to person. For some reason I will go through the various ways I have used manipulation to serve my false self image.Ending A Relationship -
- For reasons that only the BPD person knows someone in their life needs to go away and in some cases stay away. The problem is if you hastily end it then you look like the bad guy and chances are guilt will appear both which are not allowed in my mind. I will basically set a trap, leading the other person into a confrontation that will appear to set off a rage (which I completely control) by the time the confrontation is over the other person is in a complete state of shock and confusion while running out the door. Now my mind justifies this as it was the other persons actions that led to the rage and if this person knew me better then they would have respected my boundaries then the confrontation would not have happened. The part where I arranged the whole thing my mind just conveniently forgets. So if I did nothing wrong then there is no reason for guilt and I am still the good guy. My fragile false self image is still intact.
Doctors/Therapists -
- The goal is to keep myself out of the hospital and to do that I need to make sure my risk factor is in check even when its not. My doctor is very predictable and tends to ask the same series of questions every time so I basically rehearse my answers long before the appointment happens. If I feel that I need a med change then I make sure the answers are there to support it but mainly it is about keeping that risk factor low. The questions that I need to watch are those about suicidal ideation and self harm. Suicidal ideation questions are answered with a "No more then normal" which is a complete truth but I also know I have been answering this question the same way for so long I doubt my doctor knows what normal is. Self harm is a bit trickier especially when your still cutting so I make sure it is down played with answers such as "I have it in control" or with the answer "Not very often" but again I know my doctor has asked once to see the marks in the fifty plus times I have seen him so the odds are one my side. Right now I am nearing the four month anniversary of no marks what so ever so the answer is no and it is actually no. I don't lie I just don't show the whole picture and the way the system is designed it is very easy to get away with it
Nurses and Others -
- When I was in the hospital a number of staff believed I was manipulating the nurses and in a way they were right but I will try to show you the reason behind it. I am someone who remembers damn near everything and I appreciate people who are honest and open with me. People are basically classified in two sections safe and not safe. If a person is safe then that is who I will go to with any problem, that is who I will go to with any question or concern and when I am half a step away from crossing the danger line that is who I will seek out. If a nurse is classified as unsafe I will do whatever is possible to avoid any interaction with them as I don't feel like I can trust them so what they get is a bunch of yes or no answers and if they try to push it then chances are a confrontation will happen that will send a clear message it is better to just let me be. How does the classification work? Good question. I ask the same questions to a lot of people then take their answers that forms the groundwork. If the person gives me some generic answer then chances are they are going to the unsafe category for my brain sees it as them looking at the disorder and not at me. I watch them interact with other patients and I can see whether or not their heart is in it and I look for tells that say this person is here for the money and not the patients. Remember I have worked on the other side of the fence so I have a lot of interactions and people to compare it to. There are a lot of good mental professionals out there who are doing it for the right reason but at the same time there are too many who have reached the burnt out stage and need a career change before they end up as a patient.
Everything to me is about safety as in keeping myself safe so the people in my life need to care about my well being or they need to go away and everything comes back to trust. If I can not trust you to give me an honest answer on something small then why would I trust you on something big such as my health and well being. I believe everyone in the world does this and if you don't think so ask yourself out of all of the people in your life why do you always go to a select few when you need help. When I am in a hospital setting I need to figure out very quickly who my rocks are so to speak because chances are I am going to need them when the wrong situation arises. I had an extremely bad morning when I was in the hospital and there was no safe staff on duty so I knew I needed to come up with a way where they would understand quickly that I was in danger and needed help. I sat down and scribbled down a note that basically said help me I am in danger and through some peoples perspective it could have been called a suicidal note. I finished the letter and then dropped it on the nurses desk to which a number of them watched me do so then I went to my room and waited for the Calvary to come in. Then I waited and waited until I reached a point where either I had to do something to stop myself from ending my battle on a permanent basis or to take that road to a never ending sleep. I hate to say this but self harm saved my life yet again and the damage was to a point where four plus months later it is very easy to see the marks that I caused that day with a poster pin. Two days later my doctor asked me about the note and he was shocked to hear me say "You are the first person to ask me about it". The doctor knows me pretty well and asked if the damage was high to which I nodded my head. Needless to say the nurses on duty at the time of the note received a lecture they won't soon forget. It pays to know who are safe and who are not but unfortunately I do not create the work schedule. When it comes to online dating I do the same thing asking the same simple questions over what ever time period and taking note of different answers all for the same reason I need to know who is safe and I need to know who I can trust.
Therapists and doctors will say that the way I see someone will differ from the perspective I am in but that is only half right, the way I see someone that day may differ but I always remember who is safe and unsafe at the core level. The people in my life I try to protect with every ounce of energy that I have and make sure that the relationship is strong and healthy in all areas. To reach that level other people have to go through the testing level and the majority do not make it or last long as my personality is either to strong or they really do not understand who they are as people which is essential when your dealing with me. My mother does not understand how one second a person can be part of my life then the next second they are gone and I have tried to explain the whole safe and unsafe thing to her but she was raised in a manner where it is important to make everyone happy. I have my fathers viewpoint on this one which is there is six billion people on this planet so there is no sense keeping the wrong ones around as there are a lot more to choose from.
A major problem is that a group of people use both self harm and suicidal gestures to gain attention through a form of manipulation which has led others to believe that everyone with Borderline Personality Disorder does this which is not only wrong but dangerous. What happens if what you saw as attention seeking was an actual warning sign of imminent danger? I don't take the chance as if someone tells me they are in danger I pick up the phone and call 911 for my conscious can not handle a missed warning sign. If someone in your life does this call 911 or drag them to the hospital every single time and if it was for attention chances are they will find a new way to get it where the consequences don't involve a police car and a psych ward.