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It's not you, it's me... and other assorted crumbs

Posted Sep 22 2008 10:10am
Meh is such a good word for when you don't know what to say.
One of those sounds that can be made to signify anything.
Emotions, feelings, thoughts, events, sensations - that just don't have words.
It's 1 am and I am still up. Have to get up early tomorrow (today) so indeed I may be self sabotaging again.
Or it could be caffeine.
I'm contemplating hypocrisy. When I see so much of it in others.... does it really mean that it's a mirror and I'm really seeing it in myself?
Contemplating the fact I'm going through one of those "I don't believe in all that bullshit" phases and trying to accept it.
Why worry?
Why twist ourselves into knots trying to analyse and figure out the universe and what's true and what isn't - when we can dump all that and just LIVE. Live for christ's sake. Just do what feels right. Follow your instincts. BE here.
Can it get any simpler?
Methinks this is becoming a new life motto/belief/strategy, etc for me. It's been coming a long time.
Frustrates me. Especially when I see people (yes, you) struggle so much with what's right and wrong, whether something's physical or spiritual, who is god, and what different kinds of angels are there, and who am I, and what's my life mission, and am I on track, and is this how the universe works, am I manifesting this, am I manifesting everything, do I manifest some things and not others, and what's the difference and why, and
You know why it frustrates me? Why it makes me angry? Why it makes my head scream and my body vibrate like it's rubbing against sandpaper?
It's cos I do exactly the same thing. I see in others what's in me. I know that for a fact.
And I'm starting to think it just doesn't fit anymore.
Ponder, sure. Contemplate, okay. Think and dream and wonder. But tie yourself in knots? Worry? Get caught up in it? Jeez, just live life, just be here on earth and follow your heart.
All the other stuff is icing - it's beautiful and true, all of it. But I'm not letting it fuel my anxiety anymore. I'm untying the knot and throwing the rope away. Fuck it. I don't need rope. Gimme a star or a galaxy!
(I'm not greedy, just one galaxy will do)
It's so simple, and I forget so easily.
And when I read your words (yes, you) and listen to your words (yes you), I see me. Even if that isn't true, it is for me.
And the anger is telling me it no longer fits.
I believe. I have faith. I trust. I have an open mind. I feel my own truths. I respect others.
Why use a label to contain ourselves? If I were to make a list of everything I believe about life, the universe and everything, it would never end!
I am me.
And the frustration is shouting at me - "Sit up and take notice! Stop overthinking it all and LIVE! Now, slow the fuck down and go to bed."
Ahhhhh, I love blogging. I can make absolutely no sense, and it's like poetry in that when I re-read it the next day it all makes perfect sense. Gotta love that.
Hmmmm. Procrastinating. Have wasted a lot of time today when I've got so much to do. But things will work out. Not a disaster.
You know, it's so nice to go to bed and relax, just listen to my breathing and release the muscle tension. It's blissful. And frankly doesn't last long enough, cos I fall asleep and then I can't consciously appreciate it!!! LOL.
That's the trouble with sleep!
I dreamt last night of a past filled with abuse at the hands of a kidnapper and the present day triggers that caused my anxiety. Strange, in that the anxiety symptoms were correct, but the reasons didn't match. In the dream, I realised the reason I had trouble swallowing and my throat closed up when I was anxious (which it does), was because the kidnapper used to try to strangle me (which, of course, never happened).
I woke up, went to the bathroom and when I fell asleep the dream continued, only instead of the kidnapper being some old asian guy, it was my dad, but otherwise same dream. Weird.
All rich with meaning, I'm sure, but not going there unless I need to. Truth and understanding will come when it's ready or challenge me when it needs to be addressed, I guess. Not going to push it.
I am so worried about my health, physically. I am really working myself up about it. Which is pretty silly, I know, but, it happens, despite all I've written about tonight.
I am convinced I am either going through premature menopause and that I'm infertile (my biggest fear), I have lymphoma or leukemia or something. I HATE that my GP always says that it's because of the medication or my weight. I feel like he's being conservative, or just lazy cos he doesn't know the answers. I feel like going to him and asking for a hundred tests to rule everything out, cos I'm that worried. Would they do that if it's help my anxiety? Horrible if it was seen as wasting medical resources, but what if my gut is right and there's something wrong?
Not sure about that one. Might mention it to Flowerman tomorrow.
Catnip makes Isa high.
Not a playful, silly high.... but more like a slow, languid, affectionate, nuzzly, sleepy, dilated pupils high.
I wonder if that's normal....
There is so much crap on television after 11.30 at night.
I'm already hypnotised by ProActive and the Swivel Sweeper. Lord save me!
I must...
I must...
I must increase my bust...
Sleep to clear the dust....
"We gaze up at the same stars, the sky covers us all, the same universe encompasses us. What does it matter what practical system we adopt in our search for the truth? Not by one avenue alone can we arrive at so tremendous a secret."

- Symmachus
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