I called my blog ‘it’s easy to smile’ because it summed up how I have lived my life for as long as I can remember. I smile. I’m bubbly and friendly and to every person I meet I am happy and carefree. But behind closed doors, where no one can see, I don’t smile. I am sad and lonely and find life so hard that I sometimes can’t breathe.
But I never let anyone see this unhappy, far from smiling girl. The girl everyone sees; my friends, extended family, the stranger on the subway, all they see is my smile and this mask ensures no-one will ever suspect I am ‘mentally ill’ depressed and suicidal. I am so afraid of what people will think of the girl behind the mask, behind the smile. So, I smile. And for me… it’s easy to smile!
In the last few weeks, and months it’s been harder and harder to smile, and impossible to laugh. My mask is slipping. I have been so depressed that I have not had the energy or motivation to pretend that all is well. So I have stayed in bed, ignoring phonecalls, texts and emails. My blog title was almost taunting me “c’mon, you said it was easy to smile, just get up”. But somehow this was different. This latest depression has led me to my darkest ever thoughts of hopelessness and suicide. I needed help.
My dad and GP intervened and got me into hospital. They saved my life. I was admitted 7 days ago and it has been a tough week. I have a lot to think about and big decisions to make as to where I want my life to lead. I have three or four more weeks in here to complete a programme which will hopefully change my life for the better.
Last night something on tv was funny. And I laughed. I had forgotten what that felt like and how long it has been since I last felt happy. One step at a time, but I hope this is progress x