If Not Now, When?

Didn’t sleep that well last night as I was jarred from a very deep sleep by the airhorn of a weather alarm radio telling me there was a severe thunderstorm watch.  A watch, not a warning. There’s no way I can see to turn off the ‘watch’ alert and only have it go off for the more serious ‘warning’. Because of my interrupted sleep I had to force myself to run when all I really wanted to do was crash on the couch. Running, sometimes it’s magic, sometimes it’s just work and sweat. Still there’s always a sense of accomplishment when I’m done and that’s worth something.

Last Friday night the home where dad lives had a first day of Summer celebration. All of the families of the residents were invited and asked to bring a side dish. Sitting by dad out on their patio I bet he told me a dozen times of his early courtship with mom. To get her attention, he stapled her uniform together at the drugstore they both worked in. As a condition for him to remove the staples, she had to agree to go out with him. He also said they necked a lot and umm . . . I think the contemporary term is “gettin’ jiggy wit it.” Try sitting through repeated tellings of your parent’s love life. What a way to start the weekend. I did try to redirect him onto other topics but dad was focused. I took it as a good opportunity for practicing mindfulness. So I just thought about how this is my dad talking about the love of his life. It’s one of the few memories he still has. It was about being there for him.

Most of the aides and other residents at the home are women (”survived by his wife…” reads just about every married man’s obit) and dad enjoys talking about how nice they are to him. He talks about how much he likes girls and then he’ll hold their hand and say “This is my girlfriend.” He has a lot of girlfriends. He probably thinks he lives in a harem. We should all be so lucky.

Driving to K.C. the next day I was a little surprised at how perturbed I got at some of the other drivers. It’s one of the things I’ve never enjoyed about larger cities. Too many people driving way too crazy.

In my rear view mirror I noticed a car cutting in and out of traffic. He was coming up fast behind me and cutting in front of cars where there really wasn’t enough room. As he pulled up beside me I could see him glare at me as though I was somehow at fault for being in his way. He cut me off and made me slam on the brakes. After I cussed him out I reminded myself that everyone has the right to be an A**hole. Today was his day and he was making the most of it. It pisses me off that some people can be so self centered and put others in danger but as the saying goes, “You can’t cure stupid. Stupid is forever.”

That’s really life though isn’t it? Most people try to get along but there’s always someone that bends or breaks the rules with little or no regard for others. That’s part of the rythym of life. There’s good days & bad. There’s good people & bad and everything in between.

Tai Chi class in K.C. was above average due to my recent ‘aha’ moment earlier in the week. I’d been feeling pretty good lately and while listening to streaming radio at work, I came across the tail end of a conversation between Dr. Joy Brown and a caller to her show. The good doctor said something to the effect of “People will often sabotage themselves and not make a decision that they know will help them because on some level they don’t believe they deserve to be happy.” That struck a chord in me and I think a lot of people, depressed or otherwise, feel that way. We don’t believe in ourselves or in our worthiness to pursue happiness.

I’m sure I’ve heard it before but I wasn’t in a place where it could really sink in and use it to make some changes, now I am. The changes start by doing things that you enjoy. Delayed gratification is a sign of maturity but delaying it indefinitely is not. I’ve never known a happy martyr. Like everything in life you want to aim at a healthy balance. Too often we postpone doing things until everything is just right or ‘X, Y and Z’ are done first.

Don’t want to run tonight because you need to do the laundry or clean house or wash the car, etc.?  A clean house, car or clothes aren’t going to help your endorphins kick in like a good run (or other aerobic activity) will. Stop it now and do it for you. Balance your priorities. You can do your chores when you get back.