I haven’t seen most of these movies, but I plan to use these lists to update Alex’s and my queue from now on. Lately we have been passing off the responsibility of moving a film to the top slot the way we used to try to pass off the next diaper change, especially the ones that announced themselves with unmistakable sounds and/or odors. That was a battle I never did win anyway, because someone had to demonstrate the strength of his gag reflex. Shit loaded diapers, vomiting husbands, what was I writing about? Sex in movies! Anyway, the only disagreement I had with these lists was Monster’s Ball being on the worst list. I thought that sex scene was hot. I even remember thinking they had to be actually doing it because it looked pretty realistic.
This Operation Feel The Fuck Better has been time consuming lately, because I have been making doctor’s appointments and actually keeping them instead of canceling them in favor of sleep. Things with my psychiatrist are great. He doesn’t talk much; I don’t talk much. I quickly run through how I have been feeling and if there have been any unusual stresses (His words, not mine. I’ve never thought of stress as unusual in my life) and then we chat about should we toy with the drugs I am on or not and I am out of there. At my last visit he asked me if my job was in danger, what with the state of the economy and all, and I explained that there is a pub at the restaurant I bake for and while food sales are down, booze sales are up. My future lies in the hands of the drunken patrons needing a sandwich or a burger to wash up some of that grog. The other thing I’ve noticed is a lot more people are eating desserts, especially on the weekends. I like to think of this as the “I lost over $100,000 in my 401K, I might as well have a $7 piece of cake” effect. My psychiatrist also noticed that I was sitting crooked in the chair, trying to put more of my weight on the side of my lower back that hurts the least, and he suggested I start doing yoga. Things had been going so well until then. Sometimes I wish that I could be one of the bendy stretchy women who pass by my work in the mornings on their way to the yoga studio as I sit huddled in the cold rain with a pint of ale in one hand and a smoke in the other, but I know that unless I could roll up the yoga mat and smoke the damn thing I probably couldn’t hold the first position, or the second one. It’s a shame though, because without fail, the women who walk by me with their ponytails swinging and their mats tucked under their arm look amazing.
I also had an appointment with my primary care physician and she was wonderful, as always. I apologized for not having shaved my legs and she laughed at that and later she apologized before she looked up something on google. Alex was horrified when I told him that my doctor sometimes looked in a book or went online to check on something, but I think it’s great. First of all I would rather have a doctor double check something before fucking up my health and secondly, doctors probably do it all the time, they just usually leave for a minute or two and then come back. I just made that up, but it makes sense to me. My doctor praised me for slowly taking off weight over the last few years and for keeping it off, which is nice to hear, but not the way I wanted to do it. I know she’s right and all but I want to feel OK in this skin NOW. She then referred me to a specialist for my fucked up back, suggested more physical therapy and YOGA! I told her I didn’t want to stand with a group of people and be the only one who couldn’t bend myself into this position and then that one, and she suggested a small group, with an instructor who would be willing to modify the poses for me. I don’t want to stand out in a crowd. I like to hide at home. This OFFB (thank you Belle!) is tough.
I went to the specialist the next day, and she looked over the scans of my back and asked me if I’d been in a car wreck. That made me strangely happy because it is a better response than “I see nothing wrong here, it must be in your head.” She showed me some stretches to do before work and throughout the night. She carefully guided me through them until I was doing them correctly and I felt safe and happy in her office, her hands warm against my skin. She casually mentioned that taking off a few pounds would ease some of the pain and I was relieved to be able to say that I had been doing just that, slowly. She advised me to start working in sneakers instead of the clogs I usually bake in, something about having more cushion around my feet. I had all the paperwork to take with me to the physical therapist and she was shaking my hand, saying how nice it was to meet me, when she too suggested yoga. This time I was ready and I told her that I was going to look into it.
I am glad that I didn’t also schedule a dentist appointment this week because all of the time traveling on the bus and sitting in waiting rooms was a bit much.
Other than doctors I spent my days off cooking, baking and cleaning at home. I have really gotten lazy about things, letting chores slip because I am just so tired after work. I have been going over our budget with Alex and we both agreed that we need to cut down on our grocery bill, among other things. A large part of that is the fact that I have been buying more convenience items since I returned to work so that it’s easier for the four of us to eat without me spending hours in the kitchen. Nathan and Polly are both pretty lazy when it comes to fixing themselves something to eat on the nights I don’t cook and I feel guilty every time I hear the beeping of the microwave.
Now it is one hour before I need to catch the bus to work. I am tired, but there are scratch cooked meals in both the fridge and the freezer; I baked fresh bread for us and the house looks great, for now. This must be what people mean by a good tired. I feel productive, on top of things, headed in the right direction. I have a solid idea of the steps I am taking and the ones that shall come. I begin physical therapy next week and my dentist’s phone number is on a post it next to the moniter, waiting for me to call in the morning. I even dug through a box of things I had stashed in a closet and pulled out a few yoga tapes I have on VHS. If I ever get some time in this house when no one is watching me except for maybe the dog and the cats I might give it a try. Just maybe, because you never know.
Enough of my boring life, what’s new with you? Have you been reading but you haven’t introduced yourself? It would be cool if you did. I love comments. Does anyone have any recommendations for journals for me to read? I hope you are all well. Years ago, when I first started reading journals I never really got it when people wrote about how much they loved their readers. Now I do, and it feels great.