once the trauma’s over, we tend to look back and wonder. and part of that looks like “why didn’t i just… [fill in the blank]” or “i should have, could have, would have….” there are lots of stories you can put in there. i have boatloads on file, whatever the occasion.
and yes, other people think that way too. if you’re the partner/loved one of someone who has been severely traumatised then most likely you’ve thought about it, at some point. maybe it read more like, “but you’re an expert judo artist,” or plain old shock, “how did this happen?” but it’s probably there nonetheless.
it’s pretty normal. far as i can tell it takes years of training not to think that way and even then, some of it usually sneaks back in.
we think like that for a reason, though, and it’s because you, me, the postman all want to feel like we have some effect on the world around us.* that we’re not helpless even when we are.
so we have to bring ourselves back slowly by changing the way we measure success when it comes to the kinds of extreme trauma that can cause PTSD. success just isn’t what it used to be –
normally, we all have quite a few tools available that help us deal with life, as we know it but that’s the point: trauma isn’t life as we know it.
when the adrenaline kicks in, you don’t necessarily have access to those tools. your options can be very limited. you’re in ‘fight, flight or freeze’ mode and that’s all you can remember of the world. it’s a deliberate survival tactic on the part of the mind. clever, no?
it isn’t about skill or empathy or strength in that kind of situation. it’s a roll of the die and you and your whole human physiology are very much aware of that, and only that.
one of the ‘nice’ examples i have, the funny one i tell people is how i am sitting in the lounge room of my new apartment when two young lads, high as kites, jump over my fence.
they can’t see me. i glimpse them. enough to know, in the cold of my bones, that they weren’t planning on asking for a spare cup of sugar.
there is no thought, then. no time for it. only act or not, lock it down if you can. protect. so as they’re prying open the window i scare them with a booming impression of my father at his good old Aussie worst but i was lucky. one word, Oi!
you take your chances based on the information you have at the time and there’s no such thing as ’should’.
this isn’t a game. the importance of your life will always trump the fact that you’re a professional or a kick-boxer or had a phone that you might have had time to dial, if only you weren’t quite so busy dealing with the nightmare that has suddenly emerged from its container and which stubbornly refuses to issue you with a map and compass.
if you get out in even vaguely one piece, you did it right.
if you managed to get out and you still had the strength to get up the next day, you did it right.
if you’re here, today, you did it right.
it isn’t even a question. you did it right.
now repeat that a few million times because it’s the only way it’s ever going to sink in…
then repeat it some more because it’s the only kind of truth that’ll give you the courage to heal. and if you’re looking to be there for a survivor then you probably want to remind them of these things, from time to time.
* for those who like a little psychobabble with their tea — this is clinically referred to as one’s perceived ‘locus of control’. it’s part of that pesky human need to discriminate one thing from the next. trauma can, unfortunately, skew your bell curve… just a touch.
once the trauma’s over, we tend to look back and wonder. and part of that looks like “why didn’t i just… [fill in the blank]” or “i should have, could have, would have….” there are lots of stories you can put in there. i have boatloads on file, whatever the occasion.
and yes, other people think that way too. if you’re the partner/loved one of someone who has been severely traumatised then most likely you’ve thought about it, at some point. maybe it read more like, “but you’re an expert judo artist,” or plain old shock, “how did this happen?” but it’s probably there nonetheless.
it’s pretty normal. far as i can tell it takes years of training not to think that way and even then, some of it usually sneaks back in.
we think like that for a reason, though, and it’s because you, me, the postman all want to feel like we have some effect on the world around us.* that we’re not helpless even when we are.
so we have to bring ourselves back slowly by changing the way we measure success when it comes to the kinds of extreme trauma that can cause PTSD. success just isn’t what it used to be –
normally, we all have quite a few tools available that help us deal with life, as we know it but that’s the point: trauma isn’t life as we know it.
when the adrenaline kicks in, you don’t necessarily have access to those tools. your options can be very limited. you’re in ‘fight, flight or freeze’ mode and that’s all you can remember of the world. it’s a deliberate survival tactic on the part of the mind. clever, no?
it isn’t about skill or empathy or strength in that kind of situation. it’s a roll of the die and you and your whole human physiology are very much aware of that, and only that.
one of the ‘nice’ examples i have, the funny one i tell people is how i am sitting in the lounge room of my new apartment when two young lads, high as kites, jump over my fence.
they can’t see me. i glimpse them. enough to know, in the cold of my bones, that they weren’t planning on asking for a spare cup of sugar.
there is no thought, then. no time for it. only act or not, lock it down if you can. protect. so as they’re prying open the window i scare them with a booming impression of my father at his good old Aussie worst but i was lucky. one word, Oi!
you take your chances based on the information you have at the time and there’s no such thing as ’should’.
this isn’t a game. the importance of your life will always trump the fact that you’re a professional or a kick-boxer or had a phone that you might have had time to dial, if only you weren’t quite so busy dealing with the nightmare that has suddenly emerged from its container and which stubbornly refuses to issue you with a map and compass.
if you get out in even vaguely one piece, you did it right.
if you managed to get out and you still had the strength to get up the next day, you did it right.
if you’re here, today, you did it right.
it isn’t even a question. you did it right.
now repeat that a few million times because it’s the only way it’s ever going to sink in…
then repeat it some more because it’s the only kind of truth that’ll give you the courage to heal. and if you’re looking to be there for a survivor then you probably want to remind them of these things, from time to time.
* for those who like a little psychobabble with their tea — this is clinically referred to as one’s perceived ‘locus of control’. it’s part of that pesky human need to discriminate one thing from the next. trauma can, unfortunately, skew your bell curve… just a touch.