So I had this dream and I spent all of this time trying to figure out where it came from and why it showed up then of course the answer was staring me right in the face. Yesterday was my father's birthday. I knew it was coming obviously but why I somehow forgot what the date was when that dream showed up is beyond me.
Self harm or self injury or self mutilation or self inflicted violence or whatever the catch phrase happens to be today is a royal pain in the ass. You keep thinking that the farther that you get away from it the easier it is to deal with. Nope at least in my case this is not what happens. Between the dreams, the daydreams, the urges that come out of no where and the constant reminder from the scars that cover my body it seems to be the first thing I think of when waking and the last thing to cross my mind before I fall asleep. During the doctor's appointment the other day he had a med student in with him and I realized she was watching my hands as they kept clawing at my arms and kept pulling my sleeves down as if I was trying to cover the new marks. There is no new marks and it has nothing to do with will power but I know I am going for a full physical in a few weeks and I know if that doctor sees so much as scratch my butt is headed back to the psych ward. The mental doctor can ask a million times if I am cutting or self harming and even if the marks were made a minute before entering his office I will deny it completely and I know there is a very very small chance I am going to have to flash some skin. Now I know there are people out there who read this and think well if you told the mental doctor that you are struggling with self harm then he would be able to help. Which makes a lot of sense except we have played this game before and it comes to two conclusions: (1) The damage is pretty bad so I am in obvious danger and I am back on the psch ward (2) The damage is not too bad so I get a lecture on finding something better to do then self harm and chances are it will lead to a med increase. I am not interested in playing out anyone of these scenarios with him again. I seem to be rambling here. Take care.
Self harm or self injury or self mutilation or self inflicted violence or whatever the catch phrase happens to be today is a royal pain in the ass. You keep thinking that the farther that you get away from it the easier it is to deal with. Nope at least in my case this is not what happens. Between the dreams, the daydreams, the urges that come out of no where and the constant reminder from the scars that cover my body it seems to be the first thing I think of when waking and the last thing to cross my mind before I fall asleep. During the doctor's appointment the other day he had a med student in with him and I realized she was watching my hands as they kept clawing at my arms and kept pulling my sleeves down as if I was trying to cover the new marks. There is no new marks and it has nothing to do with will power but I know I am going for a full physical in a few weeks and I know if that doctor sees so much as scratch my butt is headed back to the psych ward. The mental doctor can ask a million times if I am cutting or self harming and even if the marks were made a minute before entering his office I will deny it completely and I know there is a very very small chance I am going to have to flash some skin. Now I know there are people out there who read this and think well if you told the mental doctor that you are struggling with self harm then he would be able to help. Which makes a lot of sense except we have played this game before and it comes to two conclusions: (1) The damage is pretty bad so I am in obvious danger and I am back on the psch ward (2) The damage is not too bad so I get a lecture on finding something better to do then self harm and chances are it will lead to a med increase. I am not interested in playing out anyone of these scenarios with him again. I seem to be rambling here. Take care.