I suppose this could be said about most of my medical appointments.
I do not tell the whole truth during them. I skirt around the issues maybe because I am embarrassed.
I don't lie and I know the only one I am hurting is myself. Whether it be the strength of my migraines or the depth of my depression and hopelessness.
Today I was honest about how hopeless, run down and just plain emotionally tired I have been feeling. I told my therapist that those videos that tell you life gets better than when you are a teen are lying. It does not get better :(
She asked if I was feeling suicidal and I said not really but sometimes I think, "Maybe if a bus hit me..."
I said I have been on a down swing of the roller coaster lately. Maybe it is what is going with Dad and the endless winter and the negative thoughts about myself. A friend told me to name 3 positive things about myself and I had a very hard time. I could spout three negative things in 10 seconds flat.
I am feeling the pull of locking myself in my apartment, sleeping all day and never getting out of my pajamas. Losing interest in things you love is a sign of depression. I feel it.
I haven't wanted to write about where I am mentally. I have just wanted to come home, read and sleep. I have wanted to withdraw into a book (That would totally be my superpower to go into books and come out of books with stuff.) and sleep.
I know that since I also gave platelets lately that I am seriously
borderline anemic and that is a contributor to why I want to sleep
I see my therapist next week as well.
The light at the end of the tunnel is Palm Springs in 2 weeks. I CAN NOT WAIT.