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Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me

Posted Jun 16 2008 6:12pm

My new phone arrived yesterday, which was quick. It's really cool, although I haven't yet figured out how to work all of it.

Keep having a problem with the Software CD, which keeps freezing during installation. I need the program installed so I can download music to the MP3 player and upload photos taken to my PC. I tried downloading the latest version of the program from the website, in case it was the CD, but after totally obliterating my download limit (it was 30MB) it did exactly the same thing! Still working on that one...

Just watched 'A Time To Kill' on DVD. Awesome, powerful, amazing movie. Shivers down the spine stuff. If you haven't seen it, go out and rent it right now! At least for Mathew McConaughey (And Kevin Spacey).

Speaking of spacey - my head has been in the clouds for weeks now. It doesn't seem to end. I know I'm avoiding, I even know exactly what I'm avoiding and why, but none of it matters to me. I just want to hide. And my head agrees, it seems.

Discovering a truth can either be exhilarating or terrifying.

I haven't really been spending a lot of time on the computer either. Watching a bit of TV, which is strange for me. Probably because it's so mindless. There's only so many Harvey Norman BIGGEST SALE EVER ads you can watch before your brain decides to go fishing.

Mum is away in Canberra this weekend with Murray, visiting my Aunt and Uncle. There's still discomfort around him or when he's in the house, but I know I'll get used to it. What's proving a lot harder though, is coming to terms with the fact that my mum is actually in a relationship. She has a 'boyfriend'. I'm not sure why that is really. I guess I've always seen her as single. Even before my dad and her split when I was 12, dad was usually not there, so, it was just her and me a lot of the time.

Sometimes it feels as though my life started at 12. At least, that's where most of my memories begin. I do remember snippets of my childhood, but I feel divorced from it, as though it wasn't really me, but someone else. Then again, that's how I feel most of the time.

I go back into hospital on thursday. I can't wait for it to come, on account of how safe I feel there. But on the other hand, the thought of it fills me with anxiety. Just imagining sitting in front of Flowerman and B, taken care of, observed, etc by the nursing staff - it all just feels so exposed... At a time when I'm isolating, withdrawing and trying to hide, being 'seen' sounds incredibly scary and uncomfortable.

I don't even know what to say when someone asks me how I am. I have no idea how to answer that question. It's weird.

I wish sometimes that I could give people the feeling I feel, just for a few minutes, so they'd understand... it would make it so much easier. Words are highly insufficient to describe emotions sometimes.

Rambling. Again.

Nutshell: I'm scared, depressed and dissociated, with occasional, brief periods of hilarity probably slightly inappropriate for the situation.

Aaah. At least I have Scrabble.

Jac xxx

P.S. Above is a picture of the Rede Beads I made in YAAD...

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