I’ve wanted to write, but I was daunted by the idea of explaining all that has happened this year. Maybe I don’t have to right now.
So I will say, my mom’s still with us. I am in the middle of my spring term at college, in fact, mid-terms start tomorrow and I am beyond nervous. I’ve had a hard time focusing on my studies lately. I used to be such a reader. Now my mind races and I lack focus. I was studying last night and my mom called to check in and to say goodnight. “How are you doing with your studies?”, she asked. Not wanting to worry her, I just said,”Oh, I think I will pass each test.” “Of course you will ! I never doubted that. You just worry too much. Everything is going to be fine. Great things await you. You just have to believe that you deserve them.” she told me.
Sometimes I feel it, just a little potential, a possibility that I will make it. I want something to hold on to. Hope. Dreams. I need to stop comparing myself to others. I am me. I got up again and tried day after day. Mostly I feel that I won’t be able to make it. I am weak, broken, a thorn in others sides. I am so scared.
I need friends. I lack intimacy in my life, not sexual, but intimacy. I have never learned to relax and get a massage or to sit in a sauna or hot tub. I have needs I have denied myself. I have one friend now…He is my cheerleader. He has taken so much of his time to help me see that I am worth being treated better. He tells me that I am smart and worth it. I want to believe him. I want to show my kids that I can do this, even with a mom with cancer and heart disease who needs me to care for her sometimes. I have been asking my siblings for help. I need to let that be okay. Does anyone have any advice about caring for your children, your ailing mother, and yourself ? My dad was here one day, gone the next at the age of 57. It was heartbreaking, but I didn’t have to watch his physical decline, just the mental one. I get so alone in this. How can I learn to believe in myself ? Will I ever feel worthy ?