*Possible triggers*
She's lying in a hospital bed in the ER, once again. Each time I think '
it can't get any worse, she's running out of places to cut', I'm proven wrong. This time there's a mess in the bathroom to clean up that I don't want to think about yet. I haven't even gone in there. She complains about the bleeding and the pain, my compassion wanes, "What the hell did you expect?"
Parenting with a mental illness is hard, being a mentally ill parent with a mentally ill child is hard, being a mentally ill parent of a mentally ill adult is more difficult than I ever imagined. I feel helpless and frustrated. I want to save her, I want to fix her. But I can't, it's not my "job" anymore. I "did the best I could with the tools I had," has been said to me over and over. No matter how many times I hear that or tell it to myself, I don't believe it. I must have done something wrong along the way, I'm certain of it.
There has to be something I can do, but I can't make her appointments, I can't force her to go, I can't be by her side to pull the blade out of her hand. I can't even live with her anymore. I can love her unconditionally...but it just doesn't feel like I'm doing enough. She still feels unlovable, she still hurts herself, she still hates herself, she still feels shame, she still lies about what she does or doesn't do. I can't erase the borderline diagnosis, I can't put a bandage on the pain. I can't even help myself anymore. All the things I've learned to do over the past nine months have fallen by the wayside. I can't seem to pull it together. This feeling of helplessness is slowly changing to hopelessness.
Parenting with a mental illness is hard, being a mentally ill parent with a mentally ill child is hard, being a mentally ill parent of a mentally ill adult is more difficult than I ever imagined. I feel helpless and frustrated. I want to save her, I want to fix her. But I can't, it's not my "job" anymore. I "did the best I could with the tools I had," has been said to me over and over. No matter how many times I hear that or tell it to myself, I don't believe it. I must have done something wrong along the way, I'm certain of it.
There has to be something I can do, but I can't make her appointments, I can't force her to go, I can't be by her side to pull the blade out of her hand. I can't even live with her anymore. I can love her unconditionally...but it just doesn't feel like I'm doing enough. She still feels unlovable, she still hurts herself, she still hates herself, she still feels shame, she still lies about what she does or doesn't do. I can't erase the borderline diagnosis, I can't put a bandage on the pain. I can't even help myself anymore. All the things I've learned to do over the past nine months have fallen by the wayside. I can't seem to pull it together. This feeling of helplessness is slowly changing to hopelessness.