I’ve decided to stop using this blog. I started blogging many years ago using an old Tumblr, blogging all about my recovery. I had a bit over a 100 followers, and I wrote dark, depressing poetry, posted positive pictures and sometimes, sometimes, celebrated my fake ‘steps forwards.’ Then I closed it because my parents were reading it carefully. I opened another blog, this time just for black and white pictures. I got about 267 followers in half a year, but I hated them all. They never talked to me, they never did anything but sit sinisterly behind their computer screen. So I began this blog, in a hope I could find a community like every other blog had. All the blogs I read had hundreds of people supporting them, cheering for them and laughing with them. I was lonely and suicidal, and I wanted a family. So I poured my heart out and I wrote, for days I watched as only 1 person visited my blog. Then two, then more, more, one day I had 457 and I squealed. I felt like I was getting a family, people who could help me. But then I became suicidal and I stopped, and when I returned, my blog was like a ghost. My ‘stats’ were haunting me, such slow, sluggish numbers that needed to break out of the glass screen and pour fourth all over my arms. My family was running away from me, and I was left sitting here typing to no one, crying to no one, and longing once again for The Nothing.
There have been a few people who have really touched me. And if I knew this blog was going to get any better, and if I knew that people might come back, and I might get that big family all those other blogs ever got, I would stay and write and sing for you every day. But I know it’s never going to happen, and I’m going to sit here typing to no one.
For the few who were here, I thank you. But like Aristotle says, one swallow just not make a summer, nor does one day, and this blog is an empty season of winter that is maimed and tainted with the ‘loneliness’ I seem to drag around. It’s funny in a sardonic way, that in every place I go; many different schools I went, many different atmospheres, new starts, I was always alone. People just never wanted to be part of my family. And so I sit here, furious with myself and the failure, that I couldn’t even make a family of people who couldn’t see my ugly face, and so perhaps might like me more. But alas, no, nobody wanted to stay around this desperate site.
I hope you all get exactly, exactly what you want in your future.
I will leave this blog up, because some of the things I wrote made me smile. And they helped a few other people.
I just wish I could have had the favor in return.
I love you all, I really do.
And from this point on, I really can’t say anything else.
After all, perhaps this whole time I’ve just been speaking to my self, alone.