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Disjointed Thoughts

Posted May 07 2013 8:35pm

Those thoughts that pounded in my head last night, continued to grow and multiply today.

I know I am majorly self critical. Most of the time I am wrong. I have spent many hours, lots of money, taken drugs, gone to therapy and have been aware of my issues for a while yet they still lurk in the dark recesses of my brain and when I am down, they come out.

And come out they did.

The trigger was stepping on the scale for this work thing. We have to earn points and those points determine how much we pay for health insurance. They are looking for you to lose weight, be wonderful, etc. I stepped on the scale feeling pretty horrible. I should not have looked but I did.

I gained weight.

I know it is probably from sore muscles and miscellaneous horrible stomach pains I have been having. I know I should not beat myself over it. It is just a number.

It is just a number.

It is just a number.

But it isn’t.

I would be lying if I thought that. That number tells whether or not I am a failure, how unlovable, how worthless that I really feel deep down inside.

People tell me that I am worthy and deserving of love. That I am not a failure. No matter how many times I tell myself they are right, I do not believe them.

Tomorrow I may feel different. Tonight, I am just not feeling myself.

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