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Denial Of The Past

Posted Sep 11 2008 2:11am
For the longest time my main coping mechanism was to just push the pain way back to the dark recesses of my brain and basically go on living like nothing happened. I did this for decades until the day finally came when the memories came crashing back to the surface with unbelievable speed. I spent days in a fog of recollection where I was not sure what I experienced actually happened or not.

There is a segment of my past that contains a house that I can recall down to the smallest detail from what color the room was to the sound of the floor creaking when someone approached a particular room. My Mom and I had a discussion about this house and she was stunned by my memory as she figured I would have no recollection of the place or the people who lived there for I was not even three when I was there. Of course what my Mom does not know is that I have been dreaming of this house for as long as I could remember and even typing this post shivers are going down my spine. I told this to my doctor once and he asked if I was positive that something bad happened which pissed me off greatly but instead of trying to explain to him why I am so sure of what took place I gave him a dirty look then left the room and have refused to speak of it since.

Even when my life was as close to perfect as I will probably ever get I was haunted by the nightmares that came from this house but before I was able to satisfy my mind by saying it was just a bad dream and there is nothing else to it basically playing the dumb card. I struggle with the events that took place in this house and I keep remembering what the doctor asked that day. I have pushed so much garbage into the back of my mind that maybe the memories have been mixed up and jumbled in the process but that answer carries very little weight with me. I have had many people tell me to just push the incident to the side and get over it but how can you do that when it seems that every time that you shut your eyes the ghosts of the past come calling. Maybe if I dealt with the situation early on in my life that it would have led me down a different path then the one I am currently on but then again maybe not and since there is no such thing as a time machine I am left with dealing with a ghost that has had thirty years to gain more and more strength to the point where just the mention of it has my blood running close.

I can't deal with this situation on my own as it puts me into a real bad head space very quickly with the last time ending with a razor, a blackout and a trip to the psych ward. The hope is eventually I will find a therapist that I feel comfortable with and can trust where I can once and for all clear all of the demons that have stayed with me since I was a child. I do know I am no longer able to push things back and pretend they do not exist for my brain and the state of recovery that I have reached will not allow it even though my life would be so much easier if I could just rebury the past. Take care.
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