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Dark Thoughts in Dark Times

Posted Aug 07 2009 12:18pm
When I’m surrounded by society’s definition of normal, I feel as though I stick out like a sore thumb. I feel like I have to change myself to blend in. Like a chameleon. But like a chameleon that is just a few shades off. So he kind of blends into the world around him, but you can still see him there (it’s funny that I imagine the chameleon as male). Sticking out. Vulnerable to the predators of the normal world.

I wish I could get out of this mindset without medication, but I just don’t think it’s going to happen. I have melted from suicidally depressed during my specific times of the month to being pretty much low all the time. And what’s scaring me is I’m starting to mull over options. What could I do to make sure my family doesn’t really know that I offed myself on purpose? What a fucked up question. That is when you know you have really lost it. When you are planning your own death so as not to hurt the people you love.

But really, isn’t suicide a right? If individuals have the right to choose whether or not the plug should be pulled, why can’t the mentally ill have the right to decide when enough is enough? The sane don’t really understand the mental anguish that people with mental illness go through. The same way that a physically healthy person could not understand the pain of cancer or diabetes. And really, that is what it comes down to. Mental illness is painful, even if you can’t see it on the surface or show it on a damn x-ray. But I know I shouldn’t throw in the towel until I’ve tried everything I can possibly try. Because that’s what they try to do for people who are physically unhealthy.

Although, when my step-dad was dying of brain cancer, they didn’t try everything before they stopped the chemo. Trying everything would have left my mom in shambles financially and emotionally. Was that giving up, then? I remember my mother telling me she had to take the gun away from my step-dad because he was threatening suicide. “He wasn’t in his right mind. It was the brain tumor, so I had to interfere.” But tell me, if you were a decorated colonel in the military, known for his innate ability to communicate, and you lost all ability to communicate, and you knew you would die soon anyway, wouldn’t you want to kill yourself, too? Go out with dignity. No point in seeing out the agony if you know it’s over anyway. I think it was a perfectly sane choice to make.

Instead he ended up in diapers, was fed a liquid diet , not able to talk or stand, with family members having to come over to watch him while my mom was at work. No one deserves that. But I don’t judge my mom for what she did. She did what she felt was best for him, her, and their situation. She loved my step dad and didn’t want to lose him because she loved him.

So, on the issue of suicide, are the sane concerned for the mentally ill’s well being, or are they simply grasping in the dark desperately and selfishly because they don’t want to lose the person they love?
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