One of the questions people who care about me ask me the most is “what can I do to help when you are feeling depressed?” It’s an impossible question, of course. I can barely figure out how to deal with my own depression, let alone suggest how someone else might help me. But the fact that anyone would even ask demonstrates a level of concern and caring that should not be taken lightly, no matter how fraught the question is. Here are some thoughts on that subject in no particular order that might help.
1) Fully embrace and acknowledge the concept of depression as a medical illness. Depression sufferers know all to well how tepid the general populace is toward the idea that depression is fully a medical illness like diabetes or cancer. I resisted treatment for many years because I thought getting help was a sign of weakness. It’s a terrible thing to suffer depression and to feel all the while as though it is somehow your own fault. The last thing anyone suffering from depression needs is to have those suspicions confirmed, even unwittingly.
2) Treat a depressed person like anyone with a serious medical illness. We don’t need to be coddled or isolated from the harsh realities of our illness. We do need treatment, however, and that is where all of the focus should be — reinforce the medical advice of healthcare professionals and encourage the patient to continue following whatever treatments they are prescribing. If the depression sufferer you care for is not getting any treatment, routinely suggest that he or she get treatment as soon as possible. Reinforce that he or she may be suffering from a serious medical condition and that treatment will help. Again, as suggested above, making it abundantly clear that depression is a medical condition is extremely important. So much of the depressed mind is occupied with thoughts of profound self-loathing; it is critical not to feed that endless loop of negative thoughts.
3) Try to find casual ways of engaging the depression sufferer in something that connects the two of you. One facet of depression is that it severely impairs the ability of the mind to connect with other people. When I am depressed, I want to withdrawal from everyone and everything. Finding some level on which you and the depressed person can connect (some happy moment from the past, a song you both like, etc.) can often help get the depressed mind out of its loop. That is the ultimate goal — to help coax the depressed person to step outside the churning, cauldron of negativity raging in his or her mind and view the condition objectively.
4) Don’t force a depressed person to do anything they don’t want to do — unless it is a matter of life or death. Encouragement is good — it taps into the part of the brain that still has some hope and desire to get better. Demands are bad — so often when I am depressed I feel trapped. Demanding me to do things — even if they are things someone assumes will help me — just confirms that I am truly trapped. Forcing a depressed person just backs them into a corner. The mind has already gone into a detached, protective mode, so trying to force the depression sufferer out of that mode usually only closes them down even more. Of course, if you truly think you are dealing with a suicide risk, contact the suicide hotline immediately and follow their instructions to the letter.
5) If you care about a depression sufferer, in many ways, you’ve already done everything you can do. No matter whether you’ve done things contrary to what I’ve suggested or had days when you weren’t tolerant of what can often be extremely frustrating behavior by a depressed person; the fact that you truly care for them is the most profound thing you can do to help them. Even at the deepest troughs of my depression, the love of my parents, friends, and especially my wife was always there somewhere in my mind. It kept me from harming myself and it reminded me that there was hope. More than anything, that drove me to finally get help and guided me throughout my treatment. You cannot place too high a value on having people around you who care about you.
The depressed mind is a rocky, cold, inhospitable place. Never forget that there is nothing you can do to swoop into that forbidding landscape and pluck the depressed person from their anguish. But you can light a beacon for them. Even suffering alone inside that raging storm, a light in the distance, no matter how faint or far away it is, does help. Your love and caring is that beacon. As long as it is there, we’ll crawl through the storm to find it and eventually, hopefully, get better. I know you’ll wish you could do more, but you can no more will away the storm in someone’s mind than you could will away a rainy day. Be there for that depressed person, however, and they will find their way back to you.
Important note: As I say often, depression is a medical condition that requires care and treatment from trained professionals. Seeking out advice and suggestions on how to cope with a depression sufferer is a good thing, but helping to get that person into treatment is the most important thing you can do. Your first source for information on any medical condition should be a doctor. I am glad you are here reading my blog, but I am just providing some personal context for understanding this insidious illness. Your primary source for information should always be a healthcare professional. If you are concerned that anyone suffering from depression may be in danger of committing suicide, call the suicide hotline immediately, by either calling 911, 1-800-SUICIDE, or 1-800-273-TALK.
One of the questions people who care about me ask me the most is “what can I do to help when you are feeling depressed?” It’s an impossible question, of course. I can barely figure out how to deal with my own depression, let alone suggest how someone else might help me. But the fact that anyone would even ask demonstrates a level of concern and caring that should not be taken lightly, no matter how fraught the question is. Here are some thoughts on that subject in no particular order that might help.
1) Fully embrace and acknowledge the concept of depression as a medical illness. Depression sufferers know all to well how tepid the general populace is toward the idea that depression is fully a medical illness like diabetes or cancer. I resisted treatment for many years because I thought getting help was a sign of weakness. It’s a terrible thing to suffer depression and to feel all the while as though it is somehow your own fault. The last thing anyone suffering from depression needs is to have those suspicions confirmed, even unwittingly.
2) Treat a depressed person like anyone with a serious medical illness. We don’t need to be coddled or isolated from the harsh realities of our illness. We do need treatment, however, and that is where all of the focus should be — reinforce the medical advice of healthcare professionals and encourage the patient to continue following whatever treatments they are prescribing. If the depression sufferer you care for is not getting any treatment, routinely suggest that he or she get treatment as soon as possible. Reinforce that he or she may be suffering from a serious medical condition and that treatment will help. Again, as suggested above, making it abundantly clear that depression is a medical condition is extremely important. So much of the depressed mind is occupied with thoughts of profound self-loathing; it is critical not to feed that endless loop of negative thoughts.
3) Try to find casual ways of engaging the depression sufferer in something that connects the two of you. One facet of depression is that it severely impairs the ability of the mind to connect with other people. When I am depressed, I want to withdrawal from everyone and everything. Finding some level on which you and the depressed person can connect (some happy moment from the past, a song you both like, etc.) can often help get the depressed mind out of its loop. That is the ultimate goal — to help coax the depressed person to step outside the churning, cauldron of negativity raging in his or her mind and view the condition objectively.
4) Don’t force a depressed person to do anything they don’t want to do — unless it is a matter of life or death. Encouragement is good — it taps into the part of the brain that still has some hope and desire to get better. Demands are bad — so often when I am depressed I feel trapped. Demanding me to do things — even if they are things someone assumes will help me — just confirms that I am truly trapped. Forcing a depressed person just backs them into a corner. The mind has already gone into a detached, protective mode, so trying to force the depression sufferer out of that mode usually only closes them down even more. Of course, if you truly think you are dealing with a suicide risk, contact the suicide hotline immediately and follow their instructions to the letter.
5) If you care about a depression sufferer, in many ways, you’ve already done everything you can do. No matter whether you’ve done things contrary to what I’ve suggested or had days when you weren’t tolerant of what can often be extremely frustrating behavior by a depressed person; the fact that you truly care for them is the most profound thing you can do to help them. Even at the deepest troughs of my depression, the love of my parents, friends, and especially my wife was always there somewhere in my mind. It kept me from harming myself and it reminded me that there was hope. More than anything, that drove me to finally get help and guided me throughout my treatment. You cannot place too high a value on having people around you who care about you.
The depressed mind is a rocky, cold, inhospitable place. Never forget that there is nothing you can do to swoop into that forbidding landscape and pluck the depressed person from their anguish. But you can light a beacon for them. Even suffering alone inside that raging storm, a light in the distance, no matter how faint or far away it is, does help. Your love and caring is that beacon. As long as it is there, we’ll crawl through the storm to find it and eventually, hopefully, get better. I know you’ll wish you could do more, but you can no more will away the storm in someone’s mind than you could will away a rainy day. Be there for that depressed person, however, and they will find their way back to you.
Important note: As I say often, depression is a medical condition that requires care and treatment from trained professionals. Seeking out advice and suggestions on how to cope with a depression sufferer is a good thing, but helping to get that person into treatment is the most important thing you can do. Your first source for information on any medical condition should be a doctor. I am glad you are here reading my blog, but I am just providing some personal context for understanding this insidious illness. Your primary source for information should always be a healthcare professional. If you are concerned that anyone suffering from depression may be in danger of committing suicide, call the suicide hotline immediately, by either calling 911, 1-800-SUICIDE, or 1-800-273-TALK.