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BPD Family Reply

Posted Dec 28 2010 1:23am

*There is a post over at Bpdfamily that I have finally responded too after watching it over the last several months. Anyway this is the response that I gave. If you are interested in the actual post here is the link

It has been interesting to see how others have taken my blog and what I have written. I created Untreatable Online for at that time there was no other side of the fence blog especially when dealing with BPD and as a bonus I was able to keep a sort of diary to track where I was and where I was going.

Over the years I have seen a ton of information published regarding BPD and most of it comes from a non perspective so I felt and still feel it is essential for people suffering from this horrific disorder to have a place where they can identify what they are dealing with and hopefully through my story it will empower them to change. What many people fail to realize is that people with BPD have an incredibly high suicide rate and part of that is from the awakening when they realize their entire lives have basically been a lie and they were not really living but playing a role. Some people are able to take that moment and fight the difficult war to recovery, others turn to drugs and alcohol to turn down that annoying little voice that springs up when your brain is trying to remain in BPD mode but you now know it is not real and others end up down a path that leads to a dead end.

I really do not know how to explain it in simple words but maybe this example will give you an idea. As a small child I learned that by doing what my parents wanted me to do and say would keep me out of trouble so I took it a bit farther and became what they wanted me to be but along this path I was not growing emotionally just taking on the role of the perfect child to keep myself safe. As I grew older I learned what other people expected me to be so that is what I became. In my brain I created the perfect person and did what ever I could to maintain this role. Now my entire life has centered around the role of being this perfect person so I had to do whatever it took to maintain this perception for if this ideal enigma was gone I had nothing left so I fought tooth and nail to protect it and created a life where I was able to keep my created self alive and for a long time it worked at least from the surface. In the end I ended up in a position where I was suddenly fighting for my life and searching for a reason to go on when I came to the awakening that the very thing I had tried for so long to protect was killing me at the same time.

I did not know what was real and what was not. I did not understand the full spectrum of emotion for I never learned this as a child. I learned how to put in a buffer and completely analyze everything that went through my brain and out my mouth. Over time it became easier but it is important to realize this took years and I still have a way to go. As a previous poster said I had to learn everything again from scratch.

I am going to end this with a bit of a gripe and that is a good percentage of the non BPD community tends to put all of us in the same basket which is not really fair and tends to continue to be a problem that will need to be addressed if we ever want to beat the stigma that surrounds BPD and mental illness for that stigma is killing people every year. If you have any questions you can find my contact info over at Untreatable Online and I will do what I can to answer them by giving my two cents. t take care
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