There have been moments in my life after I had hit the wall that leave me wondering why I did not steer to the left or the right instead of stomping the gas petal headed straight toward that cement wall. Of all the complaining I tend to do against doctors, nurses, therapists and other mental health professionals the person most responsible for my recovery is me the problem some days is I should be the last person trusted with this responsibility.
My brain does weird things that invite chaos into my life and when days are going good with the sun way up in the air I find a way to invite a storm into the picture. Strange thoughts such as remembering a fond childhood memory and instead of basking in the warmth my brain switches over to memories I have spent the last few decades trying to forget. Stupid inner voice will take a wonderful memory then provide a running commentary which will set off a flashback that will have me reeling for example: My father took my sister and I sledding which is one of my favorite memories from when I was a child and I remember the laughter and the joy we all shared for those few hours but that voice will pop up "You sure had a great time with your dad that day do you remember a few days after when your mother stepped in to make sure that he did not kill you for forgetting to put the milk away?" so now I have gone from a nice fuzzy state to a place I really have spent to much time in.
I spend to much time in my head which is something that I have been trying to work on but have not had too much luck. I know the more I focus on the negative the harder my battle is going to be but when your mentally unwell it seems every single aspect of your life goes back to it in some way. When the doctor says to not think of my illness or any other negative part of my life he might as well say go sit in a corner for ten minutes and not think about Polar Bears.
There is part of me that prefers chaos to what can be considered normal probably due to the fact my normal is chaos. This is where I have spent the most time and I know what to do to get through it for the most part. If I woke up tomorrow and my world was absolutely perfect with no negative thoughts or behaviors running through my head chances are it would drive me crazy for I would have no idea what to do.
Now when I see that cement wall coming up in the distance there is part of me that jumps into action coming up with all sorts of ways to avoid the approaching disaster but the self destructive side is a bit curious on how much it is going to hurt and if I am going to be able to walk away afterwords. Yep another area that needs to be fixed. Take care.