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BPD Awareness Month - Realizing It Is Me

Posted May 13 2009 10:09pm

All sorts of odd thoughts have gone through my brain during the course of my life. For the longest time I could not figure out why people did what they did and how come they were unable to see the situation the way that I did. Turns out the problem was me.

A high percentage of people who meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder or another somewhat similar diagnosis will never be diagnosed. The simple reason is they do not believe anything is wrong with the way they think or their perception on life is faulty and the problems that they encounter are due to other peoples actions and not their own. It is not me it is you.

Over the course of this blog I have received emails were people can not believe that I am able to keep moving with the mental illness luggage that I carry. The only reasons I have is (A) If I don't fight the illness will win and this is not a battle that you lose and walk away from (B) This has been my life for so long that it has become normal to me. Borderline, PTSD and Anxiety took off basically when I learned how to walk they just have grown stronger over the years as for the depression it is a genetic birthright in my family for it goes back generation after generation. If I woke up tomorrow and I was a 100% I would not know what to do and it would probably send me over the sanity edge.

This is the problem with BPD and other personality disorders as this is not a problem that started a few months ago but a situation that was created decades ago. BPD thinking: How can something that I am doing be wrong when I have been doing the same thing for the last thirty years. The way I think never changed the only element that caused problems were the people around me so it is not me it is you. If you did what I thought (and expected) you were going to do then there would not be a problem. Your the reason why my life is going the way it is so you need to go and my life will go back to normal. Your telling me I have all sorts of problems is a way of you trying to feel better about yourself by bringing me down. Thirty years with very few problems and every time it was someone else's doing so if something was wrong with me it would have shown up a long time ago. It is not me it is you.

Most people would think that the BPD person would see the train wrecks in their past and it would be just a matter of simple arithmetic to piece it all together but that is not how the BPD brain works. Once you are able to justify a situation then that event is basically removed from memory and all that remains is the justification. When I accepted that I was ill and really started to look at past events in my life is when I realized it is not you it is me. Take care.
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