I wish I could stop hating my situation. I wish I could moveon from these negative emotions sooo badly. But its causing me so much pain.Its making me unwell. I need to move on but I am sooo paralyzed by this stupidanger.
I need to find something else, but it paralyzes me. The lossof familiarity and the fear of the unknown are all I need to get completelyknocked off the edge. I can deal with starvation and insomnia. When you don’tfeel like eating, just because the task seems so large and unreachable todecide what to eat, to determine the materials you need, then to chew andswallow each unending bite.
I feel so overwhelmed with the piles and piles of work aheadof me, that for at least 3 hours (let’s be honest here, more like 5 hours)during the workday, I am useless. As for the remainder of the day, I amfrantically going along on caffeine, on benzos, just to force myself to stopstaring into space for long, lost blocks of time, beating the floor with myfists, sobbing in helpless desperation and screaming at the top of my lungs, sothat I can actually get work done.
(I am sooo melodramatic).
But that’s what it’s like these days.
I scheduled a therapy and psychiatrist session. Therapy nextweek. Psychiatrist the following week. So at least I’m trying to do somethingabout it. I don’t have the energy to be social right now. I don’t have theenergy to look for another job. I don’t have any energy to do anything.