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All kinds of dizzy...

Posted Feb 02 2009 10:46pm
I got a lot done yesterday - around the house - and as a result my mood rose considerably. It felt good.
But come night time I slipped rapidly again, back to square one. But at least I had that half a day of feeling okay. It was nice.
I was dizzy last night too, not sure why. But then came the anxiety, so it made a bit more sense then. I kept starting to cry then couldn't, and my thoughts were racing - a big jumbled mess of images and words, none of it making sense. I couldn't sleep, obviously, so I got up and took a Neulactil. I hate taking medication PRN, but I guess sometimes you have to...
I stayed up until I felt sleepy and went back to bed. Finally slept. It's amazing how much a little Pericyazine can help...
Had another 'chimera-dream'. I often have them and they're really disconcerting. I dream of people, only they are a combination of 2 or more people I know. Last night it was a flowerman/musicman/dad chimera. Usually it's a combination of my primary school best friend and current best friend, but either way, they really mess with my head.
I know it's just representing a combination of these people's characters or attributes, but that doesn't make it any less confusing. I hate when you can't figure out if the dream was about one person or the other, then realising it was both - but they weren't seperate, rather fused, and had not individual faces that changed, but a mixed combination of a face that I can never really remember after waking up anyway.
I guess it sounds a little silly to let it worry me, and it doesn't really, but it's the feeling the dreams leave me with... the inner, core sense of confusion, of mental and emotional 'dizziness', so to speak.
Not really something I can talk myself out of, just a feeling inside. Horrible.
Add to that places and environments I can't remember but that feel familiar, really familiar, important words spoken that fade as soon as I wake, leaving me reeling with a sense of the overall meaning of the dream but no specifics, and then the rapidly fading meaning, events and images that cling to me, losing their context, but retaining emotions I can't identify..... leaving me........ well, dizzy. To say the least.
Like I was saying before about those dreams we can't remember but that cling to us like cobwebs after we wake... these cobwebs are coated in emotion. And it's intense.
I often wonder how well I've actually slept when I dream like this. Sometimes I think maybe my brain was too busy being mysterious to actually rest!
I feel dizzy (physically) again this morning, and the anxiety is back big time. Heart palpitations, hot flushes... I could take another Neulactil, but I'm reluctant. There's no shame in using it when I need to, It's not like I abuse it. But it does scare me a little. It's a really 'old-school' medication, which makes me nervous, so can be pretty powerful. I only take 2.5mg though, the lowest dose. It makes me sleepy... really bloody sleepy. Like, have-to-go-to-bed-now-or-I'll-fall-down sleepy.
When I'm in hospital, Bald Nurse often says to me "Isn't it better to fall asleep than feel this way?" and he's right. I guess I have to get to a point where I can weigh it up - can I keep going like this, or is it so bad that I need to sacrifice the rest of the day to keep myself well/safe? And sometimes it is.
It might sound like I'm overanalysing it, but really, it's a strong pill, and I don't want to become a person who pops an antipsychotic/tranquiliser/anti-anxiety drug everytime things get a bit hard.
Then again, maybe I'm taking it to the extreme and not using this resource as best I can, who knows.
Basically, the last thing I want to do is stuff around with medication - and my body/brain, if I can help it.
When 2.5mg can knock me out for 4 hours, I want to make damn sure I need to take it.
So, all that ranting hasn't actually solved anything.... should I take some?
Ugh, I'm sick of thinking about it now.  :)
I'll see how I go in the next hour.
I woke up with a bite on the side of my neck too. It's round, raised and red... weird. Hope it wasn't a spider bite like Lis's. Yuck...
xXx
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