Making the best of it Playing the hand you get You're not alone in this There's hope for the hopeless...There's hope
~A Fine Frenzy, Hope For The Hopeless Lyrics~
I just returned from an overnight trip. I stayed with a friend whom I hadn't seen/emailed/talked to in nearly six years (we do exchange holiday cards). We were only incommunicado because a marriage and a move put physical distance between us making it hard to connect given schedules and whatnot. We found each other on Facebook a few months back and arranged a get together.
It was amazing how we could just jump into conversation again, as if we were never separated by time or distance. She has three wonderful girls. They were totally entertaining and I adored them. The five of us hung out, played, went to the beach and had a great time. Then it was off to a dinner sans kids.
We had some interesting conversations about religion, pregnancy, marriage, death, motherhood, and many other topics. It was easy opening up and talking to her about my loss, my son, and the severe depression. My friend has been treated for depression for years, and it flared up after the birth of each child (the third born 8 months ago). She's familiar with the tears, the despair, the exhaustion, and the hopelessness.
I was surprised that I could talk about my experience without breaking down in inconsolable tears. There were pangs and moments of longing and welling of the eyes, but those were intermittent. I could even interact with all of her kids, even the baby, and not be emotionally traumatized.
I was hopeless, but can now function and remember without being paralyzed by grief. Yes, this will always be a part of me. It will always be the most horrible, unfair, unfortunate experience in my life. And the fact that I will never be able to carry a baby compounds the loss. But finally, FINALLY I'm putting one foot in front of the other and walking forward - experiencing a few cherished moments of happiness. And I believe my little angel would wholeheartedly agree that keeping his memory alive and having hope that I will be well enough to find enjoyment in life are not mutually exclusive.