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the hardest greif I ever had to contend with


Posted by steppinwide

June 12 2010 , my nephew died in my arms after suffering sudden death syndrome. it was later determine that he had died from cardiovascular disease, obesity, and hypertension. I'm a Vietnam vet and have had lots of people to either die in my arms, or in close proximity. maybe it was because he was a close blood relative but I've never experience pain and grief like this before. my mom had always said he felt like a son rather than a grandson to her. she was also in failing health & 86 yrs old. Every night he would come over to her apt and sit and talk with her there was nothing more precious to him than his Nana. she took his death really hard and his passing just seem to take all the fight out of her. her health went further downhill,until finally she had to be hospitalized (we later found out she was suffering from parkinson disease) we (siblings) had always said that we would never put her in a nursing home. but she to was very obese and by having Parkinson disease there was no way we could maneuver her in order for us to tend to her needs like bathing etc. short term nursing care became the only option, but just like my nephew it seem that in a blink of an eye, she to was gone. that's two close family members in less than 5 months. before we had a chance to reflect on her life and death one more death occurred this one was my great nephew, 16 years old, he was shot in the head and kill all because of a female. I had even tole him before, "son I know your hormones are kicking in big time, but get that education and find out what you want to do with your life and then you will have plenty of time for girls. but unfortunately my advice didn't sink in. and to show how brutal his death was the perps that shot him threw him out of their car like a sack of trash (evedentually he didn't have his wallet and no Id) for he laid up there in the city morgue for nearly a week before he was identified. sometimes I feel like I can't go on. I feel so empty inside and so all alone. my mom was not only my mom, but she was my confidant my best friend, and my sister in christ. they tell me that I have to stop grieving so hard but I can't help it I'll go for maybe a week and it feel like I've finally put her death behind me, but then like a tornado that seems to appear out of nowhere it come back full force and worst than before. can someone out there please give me some advice
 
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JRR
I am soo sorry to hear about your losses! I, myself, have experienced many people in my family die from one disease or another... however .. the only one that was very close to me was my grandmother, who I spent every summer with as a child .. she was "the glue that held our family together" ... She had cancer for the better part of a year and didn't tell anyone .. I don't know if she just honestly didn't know .. but it is said, she did and just didn't tell anyone until she had to go in for treatments and the signs started to show up .. I was 8 months pregnant and on bedrest some 300 miles away when she passed .. I wasn't able to see her or attend her funeral ... and I watched from a distance as my mother fell apart at the loss of her mother .. It is a terribly heart wrenching experience .. I didn't know if my mom would make it through that time in her life as she has always struggled with depression.  Thank God that after probably 2 years of crying and going through the same "rushes" you are experiencing, she was able to start to pull herself up out of the grieving.  I think it takes a different time frame for everyone and I think it is important that you allow yourself to go through your grieving ... as long as you're not finding yourself caught in a "dark place" ... you mentioned she was your "sister in Christ" .. so you already have a relationship with God?! Which is wonderful .. turn to that .. find comfort and solice in the fact that your family has been called back to him, they have served their time here on this earth ... regardless of how "fair" or "unfair" WE may see it, who are we to question why these things happen?!..... When I was 16 I delivered a still born son at 8.5 months gestation.  It ripped my world apart .. for YEARS I blamed God .. why did he do this to me? why did I deserve this pain? One day, driving in my car .. I gave in .. I apologized for all of my words and I accepted the fact that God needed my angel baby in heaven and I know that I will see him again one day .. along with my aunts and uncles and great grandmothers and grandfathers, and my grandma.  No... I am definetly not an expert in the area ... but I know where you are right now .. it may seem like your whole world has crashed down around you .. but please be assured that there is a light at the end of the tunnel .. and when you feel like you need to cry .. cry .. when you want to scream dig your face in your pillow and scream .. and when you feel alone .. know that you are never alone .. and take a minute to talk to the Lord.  I hope you are feeling better!

I'm so very sorry for everything you are going through.

I too have lost people who have been very close to me, but no one affected me like the death of my mother.  Like you my mother was not just my mother, she was my best friend, my confidant, in a way - my soul mate.  I felt like we had known each other for many lifetimes.  My mother passed in 1993, after a battle with cancer.  I was her caregiver, so when she died, my entire life changed.  I know longer had the person I cared most about in this world, and I no longer had a job.  She was my job for about a year.

Even now I have a hard time talking about her without crying.  That bothers me sometimes, because I'd like to be able to talk about her with joy and rememberance.  Some days I can, but most days I still grieve for her so much.

I even went into therapy because people kept telling me that my grief wasn't healthy.  My therapist told me that my relationship with my mother was very special, and unilke most relationships.  She told me that my grief wasn't something I should be ashamed of or try to hurry.  That I will probably always grieve for my mother.  It gets easier.  I'm not consumed with grief all the time like I used to be.  But somedays, it's harder.

Grief is different for everyone.  My advise, don't try to dismiss your grief.  Just try to find a way to walk with it.  I actually started to feel guilty when I started to feel better.  I felt like I was betraying my mother.  I knew she wouldn't want that.  So I continued to try to pick up the pieces, and remember the better days.  When you can remember the good times you had with your loved ones, instead of the time of their dying, it gets better.  Try not to think of the what ifs.  

Perhaps something good can come from their deaths?  My mother died of lung cancer, this caused my father and other family members to stop smoking.  It also made me a huge advocate against smoking.  I like to think that she didn't die in vain.

If you need to talk, please feel free to send me a message.  I may not be able to make it go away, but I'm a good listener.  And sometimes that's what you really need, a person who can listen, and who isn't involved with the situation.

I hope you have better days.

wendy 

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