Time it was, and what a time it was, it was A time of innocence, a time of confidences Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph Preserve your memories; They're all that's left you
~Simon & Garfunkel, Bookends Theme~
There are many things for which I’m thankful. It’s very strange because no matter how many times I recite the list, either out loud or in my head, I’m unable to feel it in my heart. I am fortunate in so many ways. Why can’t I believe it? Why am I completely devoid of positive emotions most of the time?
I do have moments of happiness, when something makes me laugh or smile. But I am so far away from being happy a happy person – from being the upbeat wife, mother, colleague, and friend that I was before. Time marches on and I have to suck it up and face the world each day while I still ache inside.
My CD of MRI images arrived yesterday. There we are in B&W, Bon Bini and me. Now I’m no radiologist, but I can see that the baby was way to the right with something (the dang bleb) in my cornua. I can tell that the uterine muscle (myometrium) on the right was significantly thinner than on the left, which is why it was in danger of rupturing. Still, I have a hard time believing that there was not another option, either a less invasive one to preserve more of my innards or one that would have yielded more time watch and wait. Nevertheless, it’s over. I can’t change the past.
“You have to have confidence that your doctor is making the right recommendations,” I’ve been told repeatedly. I was so naïve. So trusting. Now all I have are these images and memories. They’re all that’s left.