Peace I ask of thee, oh river Peace, peace, peace When I learn to live serenely Cares will cease ~Folk Song, Peace I Ask of Thee Oh River~
Yesterday, Dec 10th, I saw my OB for the last time. I still have a lot of questions about her recommendations…about the “what ifs”. I came to the conclusion though that I have to let go of this blame I’m harboring. Regardless of whether she was wrong or right, my son is gone. I can’t change that now. What I can change is how I feel about the doctor. I don’t what that to be part of the grief I carry with me.
She also admittedly did have some redeeming qualities which at times were helpful in these difficult times. She listened, she responded, and she checked on me when she really didn't have to. I will never forget her – but I want her to fade away. Thankfully now that I don’t have to return to her practice ever again, that may be possible. Here is my final letter to her - which I may actually send.
My situation is neither straightforward nor pleasant. There is no answer to “why” – which I have a very hard time understanding. Our communication styles are not the same – which adds to the challenge.
Our commitments are also different. You took an oath to protect me above all else and your recommendations and actions are based on this. As a mother, I instinctively want to protect my children – those in the world and in the womb – at all costs. I don’t think of myself first, ever. It pains me greatly that you and I could not save my son because I was supposed to prevent bad things from happening to him. That grief and sorrow will remain with me for a very long time.
And while I see the haunting MRI images of my inexplicably thin myometrium and I hear you say “this could have killed you”, it doesn’t make the loss any easier. A little piece of me died anyway.
Still, through this harrowing event, you made a truly sincere attempt to be compassionate and helpful. After the fact, you spent ample time answering my questions, reviewing the details with me, even calling me to clarify some of the statements you had made.
I did not make it easy for you because I thrive on facts and absolutes and causes and effects. Due to the uniqueness and infrequency my condition, you could provide very few of these. But you hung in there and explained and re-explained. You listened. You didn’t give up on me. For this I am appreciative. I wish with all of my heart that there is some way we could go back and change the past. That I could close my eyes and be transported in time before all of this occurred and alter the course of my pregnancy for the better.
In my head, I know that this is not possible. We can’t return we can only look behind. And the best we can ask for is to make peace with what occurred. That is what I wish for this holiday season – for myself, my family and also for you. Peace be with you.