In order to keep functioning, I need to keep writing about this reproductive failure (a term that I have decided I prefer over “loss”). If I don’t, the constant second guessing and questioning fill my head and there’s no room for anything else.
I used to think that keeping a journal would bring bad things. I seemed like every time I started one, something bad would happen. Because of this, I stopped keeping a journal when I met my husband. I never wrote anything down about my one pregnancy that resulted in live births.
In this instance, however, I can’t believe that anything worse than no longer having BonBini could happen. Though I’ve probably just jinxed myself. If I can be afflicted with something that only affects anywhere between 1:400,000 to 1:100,000 pregnant women a year, then I’m sure there are plenty of bad things with lower probabilities coming down the pike.
In my initial story, I talked about the OB calling me with pathology results. Today, I received my medical records. Okay, so yes the pathology report states the final diagnosis as a cornual pregnancy. The “specimen” (aka, my uterus, tubes, and BonBini) delivered to them was labeled “right cornual pregnancy”. Isn’t that sort of planting the seed and tipping off the pathologist? Did she really come up with that diagnosis on her own? I read through the report and nothing in there overtly looked like it said anything was actually growing in the tube. I’m not up on medical-speak, however, so I’ll have to ask some questions at my appointment on October 15.
Of more interest were the most recent ultrasound and MRI results.
In the September 11 ultrasound report, the doctor (not the OB, but the Maternal-Fetal one) wrote “I doubt this is a cornual pregnancy”. The OB’s note from the same day also stated this.
The September 17 OB’s note stated that BonBini was growing to the right and not to mid-line – though there was no conclusive diagnosis.
The MRI from September 18 also does not definitively diagnose a cornual pregnancy – though it does say that the sac is bulging into the cornua. It said that the placenta “does not appear to encroach upon the cornua.”
So either the doctor was very lucky that this was cornual or very skilled. My money is on luck – because nothing that I’ve seen in the imaging reports indicated that this warranted immediate removal. And as I said before, aside from the “Final Diagnosis” line in the pathology report, nothing in there seems to say that placenta was invading the tube.
What if I went to another hospital – would the result have been the same?
Another interesting point about the MRI, the subchorionichematoma was not seen even though it was on an ultrasound late the evening before. Hmmmm. Could it have fallen out of me on the 17th when I was bleeding profusely? The OB thinks I was bleeding because my tube was expanding and letting in blood, which was causing the clots and those, in turn causing the cramps. I like my version better.
So, of course this latest information has sent me into a spiral of fear, uncertainty and doubt. I feel like I’ll never be able to pull out of it.