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Got a picture of you I carry in my heart

Posted Dec 26 2009 6:12pm
Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
~Not A Day Goes By, Lonestar ~

I've been on hiatus.

What has happened of late?

My son is now an an IEP which will hopefully help with the ADHD. Still going through testing to rule out an autism spectrum disorder. I'm glad in one way we have a label and a plan - sad in another that I could not produce a perfect child. Watching my grandmother in a psychiatric nursing facility, I know that his issues are likely tied to my genes. That makes me feel bad - and determined to do what I can to help.

Today, my eldest corgi went over the rainbow. He was in a tremendous amount of pain. Hospitalized for 4 days at Thanksgiving - and he never really came all the way back. Christmas eve, his abdomen hurt so much he would scream in pain when I picked him up. I brought him in for emergency care and he was admitted. The only thing they could do was manage the pain with opiates and other meds. Today I picked him up, brought him home to see the family and take pix, and then went in to see his usual vet.

In the few hours he was home, we took numerous pictures and the kids presented gifts to the dog. A beautiful plush blue collar with bells was slipped over is head with the request that it go with him when "he becomes a star". It was apparent from his lethargy and loss of bodily functions that it was time to say good bye.

Our usual vet came in, even though she was on vacation. A tech popped in to give him a few pets. And then, with an abundant amount of tears, he was gone. I was thankful to have had the time at home with him beforehand to pet and hug him. When all was said and done, he looked to peaceful - more so than he had since over a year ago. That confirmed that the decision, although heartbreaking, was the right one.

He was my first dog, my loyal companion. A loving and trusting soul. I hope I made him happy. I hope he thinks he had a good life.

I felt a strange sense of relief seeing the pain gone. I was prepared for a wave of second guessing myself. But this was different than with Caileb. There was no question here. I'm sad, but at peace.

I'm still looking for that peace with Caileb's tragic ending. The holidays have been a reminder of where I am today versus where I should have been. There are moments where the reality just slaps me in the face and I want to scream. But what good would screaming do. It's the past. I can't change it. I can just remember.

I wonder if Caileb and my corgi will meet. I like to believe both have gone to another world and are perfect and happy. Perhaps playing ball together or resting in the grass looking up at cloud floating by in a blue sky. I see them in my mind's eye as perfect.
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