And in the end
The words won't matter
'Cause in the end
Nothing stays the same
And in the end
Dreams just scatter
And fall like rain
~Matt Nathanson, All We Are~
Thank you all for the comments on my last two posts. I've been a bit blue and it means a lot to know there are others out there who care and understand that this is so, so difficult. I appreciate everything you say and please know that even if I'm delinquent in posting comments to your sites sometimes (work and other preoccupations sometimes get the best of me), I read them. I read them and I think about them and I think about each of you and the journey that you are on.
A couple of folks inquired as to whether we have anything planned for either the c-section date or EDD.
DH hasn't really wanted to discuss doing anything.
He's not a stellar communicator when it comes to matters of the heart, anything else wrought with emotion. This seemed to change for a while shortly after Sept - but has reverted back.
Does he love me - yes.
Is he good to the family - yes.
Does he like to talk about tough topics - absolutely not.
That's something that stems from his upbringing. My family wears their hearts on their sleeves. His family keeps them in a locked vault. A challenge for our relationship - of course. Even the therapist pointed this out when we went to appointments together. I like to express myself - he does not. Still here we are married - so I deal.
DH has sort of shut himself off from talking about this whole event. When I break out in spontaneous tears, he doesn't react. When I say "I hurt still", he doesn't acknowledge it. I tried to tell him that I'm depressed and it's an actual illness. He looked at me oddly and said "really?". Uh, yes!
He doesn't get that my more than one (sometimes more than two) glass of wine a night habit may actually be an issue...he just buys me more. He doesn't understand the insomnia, the anxiety, the lost dreams - or maybe he gets part of it, but just doesn't let on. I'm not sure. Anyway, it adds to the isolation and pain when one of the few folks who knows the most intimate details of the loss of our son can seemingly block it out. And the fact that I can't get him to engage about how we want to spend either March 31 or April 7 is disheartening.
Honestly, I think I've seen him cry maybe a half dozen times in the 18 years I've known him - though I can only name four
(1) When I knocked out my front tooth playing tennis (now there's a story)
(2) When my step-father died
(3) At church the week after the premature birth of the twins
(4) The night of my surgery in September
That's it. I'm assuming there were a couple of other times - but I can't name them.
I recall his grandfather's funeral. No one in his family cried. I thought that was odd. But maybe that's normal because my mom and I cry too much and talk too much about how we feel. Maybe average folks don't do that.
Anyhow, I'm not sure "we'll" be doing anything. Should I call this to his attention? I have and it has fallen on deaf ears. I'm not sure I have the wherewithal to keep bringing it up.
I'm thinking of buying some jewelry. The priest suggested art as a way for both of us to remember....but it's apparent that I'm the only one that wants to honor the rare blessing that was with us for too short a time. He almost seems like a dream now - one that has scattered and fallen like rain.
The words won't matter
'Cause in the end
Nothing stays the same
And in the end
Dreams just scatter
And fall like rain
~Matt Nathanson, All We Are~
Thank you all for the comments on my last two posts. I've been a bit blue and it means a lot to know there are others out there who care and understand that this is so, so difficult. I appreciate everything you say and please know that even if I'm delinquent in posting comments to your sites sometimes (work and other preoccupations sometimes get the best of me), I read them. I read them and I think about them and I think about each of you and the journey that you are on.A couple of folks inquired as to whether we have anything planned for either the c-section date or EDD.
DH hasn't really wanted to discuss doing anything.
He's not a stellar communicator when it comes to matters of the heart, anything else wrought with emotion. This seemed to change for a while shortly after Sept - but has reverted back.
Does he love me - yes.
Is he good to the family - yes.
Does he like to talk about tough topics - absolutely not.
That's something that stems from his upbringing. My family wears their hearts on their sleeves. His family keeps them in a locked vault. A challenge for our relationship - of course. Even the therapist pointed this out when we went to appointments together. I like to express myself - he does not. Still here we are married - so I deal.
DH has sort of shut himself off from talking about this whole event. When I break out in spontaneous tears, he doesn't react. When I say "I hurt still", he doesn't acknowledge it. I tried to tell him that I'm depressed and it's an actual illness. He looked at me oddly and said "really?". Uh, yes!
He doesn't get that my more than one (sometimes more than two) glass of wine a night habit may actually be an issue...he just buys me more. He doesn't understand the insomnia, the anxiety, the lost dreams - or maybe he gets part of it, but just doesn't let on. I'm not sure. Anyway, it adds to the isolation and pain when one of the few folks who knows the most intimate details of the loss of our son can seemingly block it out. And the fact that I can't get him to engage about how we want to spend either March 31 or April 7 is disheartening.
Honestly, I think I've seen him cry maybe a half dozen times in the 18 years I've known him - though I can only name four
(1) When I knocked out my front tooth playing tennis (now there's a story)
(2) When my step-father died
(3) At church the week after the premature birth of the twins
(4) The night of my surgery in September
That's it. I'm assuming there were a couple of other times - but I can't name them.
I recall his grandfather's funeral. No one in his family cried. I thought that was odd. But maybe that's normal because my mom and I cry too much and talk too much about how we feel. Maybe average folks don't do that.
Anyhow, I'm not sure "we'll" be doing anything. Should I call this to his attention? I have and it has fallen on deaf ears. I'm not sure I have the wherewithal to keep bringing it up.
I'm thinking of buying some jewelry. The priest suggested art as a way for both of us to remember....but it's apparent that I'm the only one that wants to honor the rare blessing that was with us for too short a time. He almost seems like a dream now - one that has scattered and fallen like rain.