How oh how can I be a good mom to my two kids right now?
I am here with them physically, but I feel like mentally I am light years away. I'm so wrapped up in my grief. I've been trying to go places with them – open house at school, apple picking – but I’m always on the verge of tears because these places are frequented by pregnancy people and babies.
After they come home from school, I’ve taken to letting them sack out and watch TV because I'm not motivated to take them to the park or even the backyard. I feel badly for my kids because I know I'm not giving them 100% - and they deserve my undivided attention.
I also have to say that unconditional love from my kids is what gives me purpose and keeps me going. I need them as much as they need me. I need their hugs and kisses, which still come as freely and frequently as they did before. I love them so, so much and I’m just having a hard time staying engaged in their world.
My kids have their own special stories, which I will share in detail at a later date. They are twins – one boy, one girl – who were born prematurely and had some health and development issues early on in life. They are so cherished and wonderful and I am lucky that they are part of our family. I cannot say enough about the joy and happiness that they bring to me.
I keep thinking “why do I feel empty without Bon Bini when I already have two wonderful children”. I fortunately have not had anyone say “get over it, you have two kids” (admittedly, I’ve said this to myself) – though I’m sure that day will come, and that will be another blog entry – the stupid things people say after a reproductive failure.
The OB social worker said “Your children are separate from this child. This loss is independent of them. You should not feel less grief because you have already been blessed with children.” That was nice of her to say – though I’m not sure I buy into it. I know that I should feel lucky to be here with my family given the medical evidence and diagnosis associated with my pregnancy, yet I’m unable to get my heart to and head to align on this matter.