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True Story of Hospital Admissions That Scares Me

Posted Dec 07 2010 12:00am

©2009-2010 ~jgwr

Today was a full day at the hospital complex for me. I had a 10:30 Dexa scan (bone density scan) in the main hospital and my 3:30 appointment for a second opinion on my sinus situation across the road at the USF Health building, still on the main TGH campus.

I got there early to head up to see Sue to get a print-out of my latest meds and the ENT’s new patient form since I’d neglected to print it before leaving the house. Her having those for me when I arrived made me feel even better that we got her a little something for Christmas to let her know how much she’s appreciated for all she does for me and mine ALL year long. Later in the day, just to prove I still had the skills, I got a charge removed from my account by calling my insurance all by my onesie. Gotta keep those skills sharp!

Down to admissions I went. Italics shall be the nameless person in admissions who goes by the name SHEILA according to her name tag. Brackets would be what I’d have liked to have said but didn’t have the cajones to do so.

Mr. Petersen! Number 6 on your left!

As I got to the station, no one was there, but I placed my driver’s license and insurance card on their edge of the counter since they need it every time I get a wristband. She arrives and sits down.

Hi, let’s see. Is your date of birth 5/5/1963?

No, that would make me 47 years old. I am 31. {Do I really look like I’m 47? I still get carded for crying out loud!}

Oh!! I’m so sorry!

You have the wrong patient. {Obviously.}

Okay, what surgeon are you seeing today?

I’m sorry?

What surgeon are you seeing today?

I am here for an x-ray. {Please don’t operate on me. Are you trying to kill me?}

Oh!! I’m so sorry again! {Strike two, you’re way out. This is a medical facility where people die with two strikes.}

{Could I get someone with a brain to register me for a simple bone scan before I’m whisked away and killed in the bowels of the hospital, please!!} I’m clearly panicking now, but it’s not over yet, not by a long shot, and I’m not making any of this up or exaggerating (sadly).

What is your last name?

It’s on my license, but it’s Petersen {that’s been by your elbow for the last 2 minutes and you called me back here using my last name 3 minutes ago – please tell me you know who you’re admitting}.

Oh! How do you spell that?

It’s on my license. {I placed it there for your reference, your need to scan it, and obviously for my health. It’s sad that I placed it there for my health because people usually say things like “I didn’t do it for my health,” but I did in your case.”

Do you still live at…

Yes. I haven’t moved and nothing else in the computer needs to be altered since I was last registered 8 days ago. It’s all 100% accurate. {smile}

I could tell she was annoyed at my thorough answer, because she now had to go through about 200 cursor and Tab presses without asking my any of her precious questions. Then…

Are you still married to…

Yes. {No, I got divorced in the last 8 days and it completely slipped my mind to tell you that 90 seconds ago as I declared ALL of the information to be accurate.}

She took a very long time to get my wristband, which I expected because that’s what people do when they’ve been outed as incompetent as that. To add insult to her injury, she tried 3 times to grab both ends of it to get the sticky part to adhere to the other end, but failed at that hand-eye-coordination test so I pulled my hand into my lap and did it myself. On my first try.

That, my dear readers, is just admissions. The CF team is awesome, but that’s why we don’t stay in the hospital unless absolutely necessary.

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