Here I am staring at my computer screen past midnight when I really should be sleeping. I am hoping that the typing doesn't wake my mother because in fewer than eight hours I have to be awake and giving myself another dose of IV antibiotics. *le sigh.* One more day and then surgery.
So I was drifting off to sleep and I started to have what I call "The Dating Nightmare." It only happens when I'm falling asleep - and maybe it's because my bedtime meds aren't working fully yet, but it sets off a round of anxiety where I wind up standing in front of the bathroom mirror picking at my skin. Tonight I decided to stop picking and start typing.
Tonight for some reason I was reminded of the last relationship I tried. Maybe ya'll remember it - but for those who don't, it went something like this: Boy is scared to date me. Says he wants a casual relationship because he is scared to date. We date for six days. I say that I would like something more substantial because I need someone I can count on. He says he can't date me because of my CF. He feels he can't handle the emotional pressure. I call him many names, including "emotional wuss," and then six days later he is in a serious relationship with one of my closest friends. Good times.
To me that read: I can't date you seriously because you have something seriously wrong with you.
Over and over and over I am the only one willing to deal with my disease head on. My mother is afraid of it - so is my dad, and I'm left standing by myself to deal with these things. My parents want to help, but their worrying doesn't help. I treasure the extra time I get to spend with my family because of my CF - it has made me closer to all of them, but at the same time I know how much they hate dealing with my disease.
"Boy," as I have called him in this blog, was by no means the first guy to tell me that they were afraid of my CF. So many guys have said, "I'll sleep with you, but I don't really want to date you."
Sometimes I think it's my strong personality that drives them away. Or maybe it's because I'm not pretty or thin or whatever... but I usually don't listen to those comments. They are stupid. There are plenty of ugly people out there in relationships. Hell, I know a few ugly ones who are happily married. MARRIED. I guess ugly is easier to put up with than sick. You don't have to take care of ugly - and if you really want, you don't have to look at ugly either. You can just close your eyes.
It's harder to close your eyes to my CF. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed. There are days when I can't get out of bed. Days when I can't shower. Days when I forget to brush my teeth. I have other priorities - like my 5 doses of IVs and my 4+ other treatments a day. Shit. Brushing my teeth is so far down on that list I can't even see it.
There are days when I am cautious and don't go outside because it's too hot or too cold or I just don't feel like getting up off the couch. And who wants to deal with that? I don't - why would some great guy?
What's so great about someone to hold your hand when you're scared or someone to wash your hair when you don't have the energy or someone to watch a movie with you when you don't have the energy to go dance - and that someone doesn't mind if you fall asleep before the end. What's so great about that? Why would anyone even want that? It's not like it provides security or friendship or someone to count on.
Maybe I'll just take myself out of the dating pool and commit to being a one-woman show. I've never liked swimming anyways.