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Someone on the message boards br...

Posted Oct 01 2008 9:32pm
Someone on the message boards brought up the question is it better to never have been born at all, than live with an illness such as CF.

This got me thinking (shocking I know) and so I managed to ramble at length about bits and bobs that it made me think of, and now I am replicating said thoughts here, as my IVs are still running and I cant go to sleep till they finish.

I think I can honestly say I have never thought "I wish I was never born". The main reason for this is no matter what horrible stuff happens, I have this huge backlog of positive and wonderful experiences that also happned and are still happening. And when stacking the two piles up and measuring them against each other, the good far outweighs the bad.

I have the most amazing life, am thoroughly spoilt, and am surrounded by amazing people that constantly provide me with love laughter and opportunities. To wish to be born without CF is another matter entirely. It would be a lie to say that CF doesnt interfere in my life and what I want to do and achieve, and it makes it increasingly harder. CF is not a good thing, and I dont think I could ever make it so, even if I really tried. However those who know me well will not be surprised to hear that I always try and seek a good thing out of any thought pattern or situation, some sort of silver lining which I can then focus my attention on.

I think the main thing about my CF really is that because of it, I value my life so much. For example, when it looked like I would have to drop out of my degree, it made me appreciate doing it so much more, loving all the lectures, assignments etc(total geek I know!) when all my friends were focussing on it not being quite how they expected it, or the workload, or the topics chosen. I know how much I love my life, because last summer I had to fight 110% to get through a rather nasty pneumothorax, surgery and resulting complications, and it was that drive to continue experiencing life that gave me the strength to do so.

I seem to view my CF almost as a seperate aspect of my life, which is quite lucky as it helps me not entangle the difficulties CF creates into how I feel about my general life itself - it is more a hurdle to be overcome whilst living life then a huge part of my life itself (just the way I see it). Whether we would change things or not, this is what we have, so what better way to live it than to make the best of it? I started off a blank slate, an empty shell, and I have had so many amazing experiences and learned so much, laughed so many times, bought so many shoes, eaten so much haribo etc that for me, the gain, that life experience, is worth it. That is what living is...

Chloe, who died in January wrote the CF definition onwww.pwcf.net. In it she went into details about many of the unpleasant elements that CF creates in her life and all the things that are made uncertain because of it. But she ended by saying "But I do know that at least it makes you appreciate life, and live it to the full without wasting any time, which is certainly a life worth living." I think she was a very wise 19 year old.

"This is my life, and I choose to love it"
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