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Posted Sep 30 2009 5:23pm
While napping today I had a nightmare. I hate nightmares more than anything. They usually affect me for hours or days after, and prevent me from sleeping.

My nightmares are not normal nightmares. I am reliving horrible parts in my life - usually high school - and it's not pretty. I wake up shaking or crying and I just can't stop thinking about it.

Today I was dreaming, and the dream started out where a strange person was putting notes under the front door, and by the time I would get to the door the person would be gone. I had to go driving around to try and find this person. It was awful - but the worst part was I was driving around and had to lie about things that happened in high school - someone was making it my fault, and I woke up thinking it was my fault, and that is still bothering me.

And now I've found a YouTube video that is so sad. This girl lost her battle with CF at 19... in September 2007. And then I am reminded how precious my life is - I'm almost 22, and sometimes I have no idea how I've made it this far. The PTSD alone still gives me problems, what the hell am I still doing here with my CF???

And THIS is hard to watch... I hate that shot of the cup... But that's just me.
I have that same vest. And a lung transplant isn't a cure - it's a treatment. Trading one problem for another. Eventually we will die.

And thinking about that makes my nightmare seem insignificant.
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