I am sure many could relate to my present state of mind. I feel that I am always living the fine line between ok and not ok, between hope and despair, between happy and sad. My way to prevent the emotions from surfacing is keeping busy.
I keep busy, sometimes too busy, busy to the point of physical exhaustion, for the purpose of enjoying myself and my friends and avoiding the emotions that are related to our new life. Sometimes these darn stinking emotions surface when I least expect them or want them to.
Submitting my resignation almost two weeks ago has just given me one more thing to worry about. How will we pay our bills? Don't answer that. Since March, I have been calling my mortgage company inquiring about the Obama Administration's Making Home Affordable Program. Not the refinance program but the loan modification program. A refinance would not do us any good since our mortgage is 100% of my husband's salary.
Anyway, the communications I have had with the mortgage company have gotten us nowhere. That is, until my husband called. It seems like the common responses are... call back in a couple of weeks, in a few weeks you should get a call, it takes up to 12 weeks for your case to be, etc. So now my husband calls them a couple of times a week and gets reference numbers. Apparently we are beginning to get on their nerves. In a couple of weeks, we should get a call with a resolution which should be in effect immediately but until then my husband will keep calling.
I want to throw an amazing first birthday party for Nathan for two reasons. For Nathan, he will only turn one once. For me, this has been one heck of a year for me emotionally, mentally, and physically. How can I justify throwing a huge party when I am worried about paying our mortgage? I can't but for the above reasons, the party will happen. My friend, Breanne, finally helped me secure a venue. Now that I have an address for the invitation I can send them to press. After they have been proofread of course. I already purchased Nathan's birthday present, which I found online for nearly half the price I would have paid in the store. Total savings on his brand new tricycle $90.
Yet another reason...
I searched and searched and searched to find the above gift on sale, to save $90 yet still give my son a fabulous gift for his birthday only to have to shell out $110 the very next day to bring my cat to the vet, again. Baxter is already on a prescription veterinary diet which I can't afford and requires these increasingly more frequent surprise veterinary visits for tests and medications which I also can't afford.
And want an example of a mini meltdown?
Sunday I went to see one of my dear friends from high school get married. My husband and I entered the church as the entire bridal party was lined up near the front door of the beautiful catholic church.
I saw two of my friends and immediately felt a lump in my throat. I was on the verge of tears the entire ceremony, it was beautiful. Then after the ceremony I stood outside waiting for the bridal party to exit the church. I had not even congratulated the newlyweds yet.
When my husband noticed my eyes welling up and asked me what was wrong, I lost it. The tears started flowing and I knew I had to leave before I made a scene at such a beautiful occasion. I had not seen or spent time with these girls in a very long time and I would not be able to attend the reception.
CF sucks. Money sucks. Emotions sometimes suck too.
But this little boy... ...will always rule!
Ok, time to continue being busy. You know, birthday invitations, birthday planning, laundry, cleaning, not worrying, not being emotional.
Have a blessed day and pray for Stellan while you are at it. Life could be better but it also could be worse.