Just your (not so) average, (extra)ordinary, (anything but) normal mid-twenties existential crises
Posted Aug 21 2009 12:39pm
I don't write poetry often, or at least not anymore since I outgrew my teenage angst phase. You'll probably understand why in a few minutes, but since I gave up hope long ago of this blog every winning a Pulitzer anyway, I thought I'd share a little of what I've been writing about lately as I've been working to come to terms with CF and all that it means for my life at this point. Hopefully some of you can at least relate, and if the Pulitzer Committee just happens to read it and love it, well, that's okay too.
In the Moment
Remember this moment as a time of rediscovery, as a point where the stalks of long-held beliefs slowly dried out and were pruned down, and new understandings allowed to take root and to grow.
Remember this as a time of challenge, a puzzle to solve on how to give back to your body with the same grace it has shown you in allowing you to live so long without the effects of this disease, of how to reconcile these two selves, both so fully and completely you, and be as giving of one as you are of the other.
Remember this as a time of positivity, not dulled or tarnished by the stains of denial, but made brighter by the knowledge of your own strength, and the reserves of energy that you know course through your beat-up veins, lending polish to hope and shine to perseverance.
Remember this as a time of revelation, when for once your value was not (could not be) defined by what you could do, but simply by who you are, and by your innermost spirit.
Remember this as a time for learning, when you came to readjust your sense of what it means to live well, and sought out a new balance based on that lesson.
Remember this as a time of opening, when you reached within yourself and cradled in your hand the tiny treasures of your own thoughts, and learned (soon, I hope), to cherish them no matter how small or tarnished.
Remember this as a time of trust, when you learned to let go of things beyond your control and began to release your heart to the ultimate wisdom and perfect balance of something far greater than you or I.
Remember this as a time of acceptance, when everyone -- family, friends, godmother, coworkers, doctors, and even your puppy -- rallied so strongly, so unconditionally, behind you, accepting your limitations, their arms stretched wide to break your fall.
Remember this as a time of searching, when the will and the wonder necessary to seek some deeper kernel of peace were ever-present, and for once not fleeting or tied to one particular moment.
Remember this as a time of surrender (NOT of giving up), of striving to gracefully accept the need for help and of finally learning the true meaning of the phrase "thank you" after so many years.
Remember this as a time of beauty, when even thunderous lightening storms seemed like fireworks designed to light up the skyline, and called to you to run outside to feel every drop dancing down your cheeks.
Remember this as a time of longing, when you knew what it was to cry hot tears of desperation and feel the cold fear of the unknown at the same time. Hold this understanding with you always, store it deep and equal to the sweetness of knowing without question that there is beauty, and that you are part of it.
Remember this as a time when hands reached down to pull you up, shoulders appeared for you to lean on, prayers from many persuasions wove a rich blanket to keep you warm, and the ultimate love of the universe held out its arms to lift you all up.
Above all, remember this as a time of grace, as a brief moment when you were forced to feel, and knew both pain and gratitude in equal, intense measure. Such moments, we know, are precious and all too rare.