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I Am the Very Model of a Patient in the Hospital

Posted Aug 24 2008 10:43pm
I found this at Breathing Deeply: My Life With Cystic Fibrosis . You may not fully enjoy/understand this unless you're a CFer or family/caregiver.



I Am the Very Model of a Patient in the Hospital (to the tune of Modern Major General, from Pirates of Penzance )

~ lyrics by Lauren and Brad Beyenhof



I am the very model of a patient in the hospital

I swallow every pill, if it is vitamin or mineral

I know my medications and their purpose gastronomical

From AquADEKs to Zithromax, in order pharmaceutical



I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters anatomical

I understand my PFTs; my lungs, my lobes, my bronchioles

About my sinus polyps, I am teeming with a lot of news

With many awful facts about the cultures from my airway tubes



With many awful facts about the cultures from her airway tubes

With many awful facts about the cultures from her airway tubes

With many awful facts about the cultures from her airway airway tubes




I'm very good at coughing up a sample to be analyzed

I know the scientific terms; the doctors' words do not surprise

In short, in matters of my body, viral and bacterial

I am the very model of a patient in the hospital



In short, in matters of her body, viral and bacterial

She is the very model of a patient in the hospital






I know my patient history, my surgeries and tune-ups past

My allergies, my FEV, and symptoms of a glucose fast

I follow doctors' orders for all testing that is annual

The DEXA scan, OGTT, a panel metabolical



I can tell exacerbation from a chest cold or the Asian flu

I know when intravenous meds and nothing else will really do

Then I take needed time off work to get a bit of decent rest

And do my nebs three times a day, while wearing my vibrating vest



And do her nebs three times a day, while wearing her vibrating vest

And do her nebs three times a day, while wearing her vibrating vest

And do her nebs three times a day, while wearing her vibratingating vest




When airway clearance works, and so do medications in my veins,

Then I can go back to my job and exercise my itching brain

In short, in matters of my body, viral and bacterial

I am the very model of a patient in the hospital



In short, in matters of her body, viral and bacterial

She is the very model of a patient in the hospital






I know I need a lot of food with proteins, fats, and calories

To combat undernourishment and other harmful maladies

The salt shaker and butter dish are staples for my every meal

Unless I take my enzymes first, a tummy-ache I'm sure to feel



My appetite is huge and I eat many meals throughout the day

I feast on roast beef, Chinese food, and pretzels made by Frito-Lay

When I have gained some weight, my progress seems to be so positive

I'm sure that all these foods and supplements will truly help me live



She's sure that all these foods and supplements will truly help her live

She's sure that all these foods and supplements will truly help her live

She's sure that all these foods and supplements will truly help her help her live




My family is supportive, and because of them I am so blessed

My doctors and my nurses want to help me be my very best

But still, in matters of my body, viral and bacterial

I am the very model of a patient in the hospital



But still, in matters of her body, viral and bacterial

She is the very model of a patient in the hospital

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