May is busy. I am attending 2 graduations, Great Strides, and trying to balance work and my life. This spring feels like my graduation - a graduation into life. I'm being thrown into the realization I'm an adult and I'm not so sure I like it. When I was little I used to say that I wanted to stay a kid forever. I'm sort of realizing why that wasn't such a bad idea.
I'm a grown up. Are you serious? You've got to be kidding me. I'm still 7 and running around the backyard with my friends. I'm playing with dolls wanting so badly to be 12 so I can babysit. I'm still 12 and can't wait to be 16. I'm 16 wanting to be in college. I'm living in the dorms. Am I really turning 25? Why do I no longer consider 25 an adult?
The other day I was driving my car around, listening to new music and enjoying the nice weather. Then Taylor Swift's "Never Grow Up" came up on my iPod and and as the song played I cried and then cried harder. The first part of the song is
Your little hands wrapped around my finger And it's so quiet in the world tonight Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming So I tuck you in and turn on your favorite nightlight
To you, everything's funny You got nothing to regret I'd give all I have honey If you could stay like that
Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up Just stay this little Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up It could stay this simple I won't let nobody hurt you Wont let no one break your heart No one will desert you Just try to never grow up Never grow up
I cried some more. I cried because the first verses remind me of Luca; He's little and laughs at everything and I would do anything to protect him. Like the song says, "I won't let nobody hurt you." I would lay myself in front of a bus to save him. He's innocent and wonderful and I love seeing the world through his eyes. I was crying because I don't want him to grow up so fast - I want him to stay little longer.
And I cried. The last time I promised someone I wouldn't let anything happen to her she died in a car crash less than a year later - and there was nothing I could do. This song reminded me of Tory and how I couldn't protect her and how much I loved her too. I know it's almost been 11 years since Tory died, but it still hurts. Will it ever stop hurting? I cried harder.
I cried because my grandfather died in March and I miss him. Death and funerals always remind me of the people who should still be here. I should have had more time with my grandparents while they were younger. I should have gotten to meet my aunt and had more time with her husband, my uncle. I shouldn't have to say goodbye to CF friends. They should be here fighting with me.
I cried because my best friend graduated from college. She has been my best friend since kindergarten and she's graduating from college. We really are adults, aren't we? I want the summers we spent walking around downtown and going to the pool back. I want to be putting on a puppet show out her bedroom window. I want to be talking into a microphone about nothing and laughing about everything. I miss her. And not just her - I miss all my friends who have graduated and moved away. I want them all back. I want to be in college again - go down to the dining hall and eat dinner every night with the same group of amazing friends.
Graduations make me a little sad because it's something I wanted so badly - to succeed in college - and I really failed. I'm so proud of the graduates because I know the kind of work that goes into earning a degree. But I can't help feeling a little jealous, which makes me cry.
My brother is graduating from college. I cried. I finished the quilt I'm making for his graduation which made it all feel really real - he is actually graduating and moving to Colorado. Colorado. That's like 3 states away. Three Big States. And I don't know if I can handle being so far away from the person who probably understands me the best. Because he's lived with me and traveled with me he knows all my needs. My best friend Sarah comes close, but she doesn't have everything memorized. I can call Dar-Dar in a complete panic and he can calm me down. I don't know if I can even put into words how much I'm going to miss my little brother. Who's going to do my dishes and laundry? I cried. I am crying now.
There is just so much flooding my brain and I'm trying to balance all this with work and I just wish I had never grown up. I want to give back my Adult diploma. Make me a kid again. Can't I un-graduate? There are so many things I love about my life, but losing people is not one of them.