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Googling Grief

Posted Mar 06 2009 2:04pm

A few months ago was the one year anniversary for the death of a beloved friend. Today I was thinking of her and missing her presence. On a whim, I decided to google her name. Being that she was a smart and active woman, there were lists of articles written about her and by her. Some had pictures and some had only her words. Through the tears in my eyes I felt the closeness I had been longing only a moment before. Here she was, in front of me, speaking through words of days past. It was as though we had been able to share a cup of coffee for just a little while. Somehow, with her image and language only a key stroke away, my grief was soothed.

I have been noticing other ways in which the power of the internet is gently influencing the grieving process. I am one of the millions of facebook addicts in this country and rely on it for way too much of my own socialization. For those who don't know, Facebook is an online networking site that makes it easy to keep in touch with hundreds of people at once, and yet somehow manage to create the feeling of closeness.

In the past year, I have had several facebook friends die. Because of the rules of facebook, the only person that can close down a facebook profile is the person themselves. This means when a person dies, the facebook page will remain. What I didn't expect was how people would continue to use that facebook page.

In all of the instances I have witnessed, people continue to write on the "wall" of the deceased person's profile. Sometimes they are sharing a funny memory the two had shared that made them smile that day. Some days they will express their deepest sadness and difficulties with getting through that day without the one they love. Other times, they will simply stop by and say "hi." In all of these postings, the grieving are speaking directly to the dead, without any sense of embarrassment or awkwardness. They are not talking about their loved one, they are talking to their loved one.

It is, in a way, the cyber version of a grave stone. A central place to go where a person's energy is stored and all who knew them are welcome to visit. It is a place to cry and share. It is a place to tell the ones we love we still care and they are not forgotten. It is, in my opnion, beautiful and unique. In a culture where we have so few ways to openly process our grief, there on facebook, we are loving those who left us behind.

I don't have profound words about the social implications of this new trend. I don't know really how it fits into our cultural grieving paradigm. All I know is that today I visited my friend on the Internet and it helped me feel close to her. When I go to the facebook profiles of those I love, I somehow feel like I am walking in the footprints they left behind. This, I think, is healing.
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